One of WordPress’ analytics tools, labeled “Search Terms”, shows us the search words by which others are finding our posts (though it doesn’t specify which post).
Most of the time, for (I think) privacy reasons, Google hides the actual search words and just says “Unknown Search Terms”, but occasionally the actual words show. I’ve seen “losing friends” (which presumably led someone to this post), “being godly and sexy” (I’m guessing this), a surprising number containing the phrase “last minute” (which probably all led to this), and some hilarious non sequiturs that aren’t at all appropriate to share.
On Monday, this one popped up: “single and feel like god doesn’t care”
My heart broke.
Illl never know who, out of 7.5 billion people, was led to my site by that search. I can only hit my knees and pray that God helps them.
Because I know what that feeling is like.
Sometimes we must sweep aside the gilded smile on our faces and face what our hearts are really believing. And one of the deep trusts often festering in our hearts is this: when we undergo hard things, it can feel like God doesn’t care. Or at least doesn’t care enough to fix it.
That applies to singleness. No matter how many married people tell you that marriage won’t fix everything (and it won’t) or sweep aside your feelings with a big hearty “You shouldn’t be lonely, you have JESUS!!!”*, loneliness is real. There are those who’d give anything to have someone to share a dinner with, someone to help with the calendar or budget, someone to just touch them on the shoulder, or even just to get to use the word “we” instead of “I”. Only the lonely understand. And that only makes them lonelier.
It’s another level of suck entirely to bear the clenching idea that God doesn’t care. That he’s too concerned with The Plan** to notice how our hearts react to it.
To feel cut off and dismissed by the greatest hope we have? Awful.
I have wonderful news.
It’s a lie.
It’s a lie.
God does care. Immensely.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Record my misery;
list my tears on your scroll—
are they not in your record? (Psalm 56:8)God sets the lonely in families,
he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. (Psalm 68:6)
That’s only a sample of the verses describing God’s tenderness and thoughtfulness to those struggling with any hope deferred.
I love Psalm 56:8 especially. It evokes God’s fierce attentiveness, his thorough capture of our each and every tear.
Whatever your theology about his sovereignty and purposes, God allows for our disappointment. Even though he truly is enough for us, God grants in Psalm 68:6 that loneliness is real. Somehow, deeply, mysteriously, in a way that real theologians could better untangle, both truths coexist in this world.
Now…that doesn’t mean he’ll bring you someone tomorrow. That’s the confounding part, and the part that requires maturity on our part. There is no exegetically defensible promise in Scripture that binds him to bring us a mate. That’s the broken road we must walk.
Some of us honestly aren’t interested in God’s care if it comes in any form except a spouse. That was me for a long time. The posture was narrow, and it pinched off my connection with God for a large chunk of my adult life. I let it get to me. Instead of joy, resentment, distance, and confusion marked my walk. (And the irony is, such reaction to pain does not make you a good marriage candidate.)
Over the years, Jesus got to me in a wonderful way. Calm and lightness of heart replaced the heaviness. I rediscovered hope and faith. “He made my feet like the feet of a deer; he caused me to stand on the heights” (Psalm 18:33). And I long to see other singles reach those heights.
I know. I can hear you sigh. It sounds like a consolation prize.
It’s not. I beg you to trust me on that.
And one of the gateways, the first steps towards that lightness, is embracing the truth that God cares.
That detached, vaguely irritated God that you imagine? That’s not the God of the Bible. Run, don’t walk, from any un-Biblical theology that says your tears are misplaced before God. They are recorded on his scroll.
If you know someone this post might bless, please feel free to share it on social media. Thanks so much!
* I’m happy to say I’ve never once gotten this cliche from anyone at my church.
** I am not diminishing God’s wisdom or providence. I’m simply saying that they are not always the right message to relieve someone’s hurt, and I believe Scripture bears that out.
Brandon J. Adams 
Married people also get lonely. Loneliness is the outcome of a self-based world view. Think of the millions who have joined the social network just to tell everyone their struggles. It feels good when they are pitied, but only momentarily. Soon they realize that everyone else is really only living for themselves & could care less about their pitiful situation. They take selfie after selfie and are the loneliest people with 1000 facebook friends. This is why the Church is to truly love one another, to actually make it your business to invest in the life of our brothers and sisters. Heaven will never be lonely because love is incarnated in the Christ Who reigns there.
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I don’t know if I’d agree that ALL loneliness comes from selfishness. Some does, certainly (and you make a great point about social media). But Tim Keller had a saying that’s really intrigued me:
“Adam was not lonely because he was imperfect. Adam was lonely because he was perfect. Adam was lonely because he was like God, and therefore, since he was like God, he had to have someone to love, someone to work with, someone to talk to, someone to share with.
“All of our other problems—our anger, our anxiety, our fear, our cowardice—arise out of sin and our imperfections. Loneliness is the one problem you have because you’re made in the image of God.”
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Yes, I should have said, “One big reason we are lonely is…” I sound kind of one-sided there
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I kinda figured that’s where you were going. 🙂
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So true, it’s a battle really with flesh and spirit. I struggle so much with loneliness and I don’t even understand it. I try to think of many reasons why I shouldn’t be lonely, and yet it still settles. I know marriage or being in a relationship won’t be the fix, but I don’t undertand this intense desire. If I’m one of those called to be single forever in service to God, why won’t he numb this desire, because I’m tired of people asking me if I’m married, tired of people introducing me to people, tired of feeling emotions towards men that I know is not the right one. Lol, sometimes I just want to leave everything behind and just be a hermit away from society maybe then these torturous longings will subside. But I know thay this type of thinking is very wrong, as Jesus calls us to reach the lost, so for His sake, I’ll hang on.
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You captured the weirdness of it better than I did. I do know that God is faithful in the midst of it all, and I know he sees your faithfulness!
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Amen! God does care.
Loneliness is an odd duck, it can be very painful and yet solitude on the other hand can be a beautiful thing,a much desired state of being. What’s different between the two is really noting more than our attitude. They both involve being alone, but loneliness tends to spring up from lack, from not feeling loved,while solitude is more about being alone to celebrate how loved you are. It’s always an issue that fascinates me.
A lot of smart people have pointed out that the most painful thing in the world is to be surrounded by people and yet feel so lonely. That’s really true, too.
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My generation has a ton of people who have more solitude than they ever asked for. There’s a variety of reasons, some of them societal, some of them in our own heads. I don’t think marriage is the only fix for that (and I think making marriage the primary fix is unhealthy and hazardous), but it’s definitely playing a role in how our culture’s attitude towards singleness and marriage have shifted in the last twenty years or so.
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Well, I don’t think it’s solitude this generation has, I think it’s loneliness. We’ve overstimulated with so many distractions, and so much separation from others.
Solitude is actually the peace of being alone with oneself and God. It’s actually a pleasant thing.
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I think it has more to do with having someone that really connects with you that is present with you, ofcourse only Jesus is the only one who can fill the deepest longings of the spirit and yet he gave us these desires to seek out people with likeminds. I’ve grown up always surrounded by people, but had to move a lot, it was difficult to keep friends for long term, my parents were heavy serving in the ministry, my little brother was sick as a child. There were days there was just enough money for food, so all I did as a kid was stay home, watch my brother. There comes a point of where you give yourself so much away that now there is an emptiness inside you, that you know God fills, but then idk you just long for someone to talk to, to care, this is where I’m stumped because I consciously know God’s love, and I do enjoy solitude, but there’s a desire for a partner or even a close friend, but seems so difficult to have. Maybe for some temperaments it is easier for them to cope, but for some being alone drives them insane. But of course God gives grace through every season and no matter what trials it is something that can be overcome. It is comforting to know though that this is not a phenomenon that affects only a few, but many people go through it, it is something common to humanity.
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We are in different places in life, but I sooooo identify with your comment about just wanting a friend who is close. For the past ten years I have lived in a desolate place where good friends are hard to find and even harder to keep. It’s just an awful neighborhood, and we have no possibility of moving for another six months, possibly longer. On top of that, in recent years, my husband’s job went from being his job to being HIS LIFE 24/7 with no real time off for weeks at a time. Although I can see some of the gifts He has sent to us in these difficult times (godly husbands who are a good match for each of our two older daughters, for example), I often wonder WHY I have to stay in this lonely place when with a few key changes, my life could be completely different, i.e., as “good” as it was BEFORE a number of unwelcome changes came rushing in.
Perhaps we can pray for each other.
In my head, I know my loneliness should call my heart to God. But I am often trying so hard to bury my sadness in a good book or in binge-TV watching that all thoughts of God go right out of my head. Maybe I’m not the only one.
May God comfort you, dear friend!
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Same here sis! I will keep you in my prayers too. Anyways, maybe sadness is just like a season, it’ll pass one day and resurface the next, but greatest comfort is to know that God is always with us no matter what, and a day will come this sad emotions will be gone forever.
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Great post Brandon.Thank you for sharing and I hope this encourages plenty singles out there who feel lonely.It’s rough sometimes but we’re out here.
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Thanks a bunch.
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Most people when they have gf’s they think they are not single and they tell they are in relationship…does it mean…this is the margin for Biblical singleness and relationship thing..lately this has been matter of joke to me…
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Everyone has their definitions, I suppose.
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I have a friend I want to point to this post as she has been single all her life, and I know she is longing to be married.
I especially appreciated what you had to say about how wallowing in discontent doesn’t exactly make a person a good marriage candidate. Great insight! On the periphery of my social circle hovers an angry soul for whom I have been praying for 25 years that he would not marry until God turns him into marriage material. So many of his friends have done marriage, the series, with sickening results, and I want something better for him. And just listening to his criteria for searching for a future mate, I can tell he has no clue what kind of person to look for, as well as no clue what kind of person he needs to become in order to attract a worthy marriage partner. I wonder how many other singles are in the same boat as my pitiful acquaintance (who is actually great in a number of areas, just not this one). When such people get married before they are prepared to succeed at it, they not only multiply their own problems, they often share them with the world, with heart-breaking results. IMO, this is one of those things we don’t want to encourage.
This is not to say that you are not ready. I only meant that there are a lot of unhappy single people who can benefit from your insights here.
I will tell you something I tell my unmarried children (and anyone else who will listen): you can start investing already in your future marriage by praying now for your future mate, who is likely already in the world somewhere, under construction, and probably needing your prayers. Stormie O’Martian has written books for both women (“The Power of A Praying Wife”) and men (“The Power of a Praying Husband”) that can be used ahead of time. (Sadly, when I posted a suggestion that Mrs. O’Martian should write “The Power of Praying for the Crank in the Next Pew”, she didn’t find time to answer me. Sigh!) These scripted prayer books can help singles redeem the time they are waiting to meet the one they will eventually build a life with. Also, I think it may be easier for singles to pray through these books for their future mates before they have actually met because they have not yet fallen under the burdens of offense and disillusionment that often block the desire to pray for the beloved. But these are just my opinions, and you can take them with a grain (or a mountain) of salt.
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On the contrary, I think your opinions are salt in the meaning of Jesus: separating us from the world. Great stuff. God can turn around your acquaintance very quickly, by the way.
Feel free to share this post with anyone you like.
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Thank you so much!
If you want to pray that God turns my acquaintance quickly, that would not hurt my feelings at all. I have at times despaired of his ever fully growing up. Thank you for reminding me that God is bigger than my fears.
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I will.
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Reblogged this on Brandon J. Adams and commented:
I’m sorry for the lack of original posts lately. I’ve been slammed with a new evangelism venture I’m trying to put together (more details later). More new posts will come soon.
In the meantime, I keep seeing hits on this post, so I figured I’d bring it back for a while. May God delight someone with his truth today.
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Reblogged this on Blacq Empress.
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Wow, thank you! Got another one coming tomorrow.
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I will check it out. I’ll wait.
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If he does care, why am I still single at 25, failed not only an interview but an audition I didn’t get past the first step, letting my job is replacing me with something they think can do it better, and moreover, letting depression consume my brain? And before you say “it’s your fault for letting depression get to you,” no, it’s being bullied for a good part of my life for reasons I will never understand. Tell me why should I throw my troubles at his feet when he’s the one who put them there in the first place?
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Josh, thanks for asking. Really. You could have just described my life. I was mad at God for so many years, for so many things, from social struggles to singleness to job loss to my parents’ divorce and, yep, depression. There was a ton of adversity, and part of my heart was left far from worshipful. Like you said, why worship a God who isn’t helping?
I am sustained by remembering that God is on my side. I don’t know what model of sovereignty you subscribe to, but in any model, you can see throughout Scripture that God does not allow suffering lightly but reluctantly, that he sees all our tears, that he takes anger at our enemies, and that he is our help. It may take time, we may not see his workings, but HE IS ON OUR SIDE. This stuff matters to him very much, and he fights for us.
That’s what got me through my family’s collapse – the knowledge that God was as furious as I was, that he shared my anger and pain.
I will pray for you tonight, Josh. I’ll pray that God heals your heart from the bullying, that he joins you in your fight against depression, and that you’ll see his love. I know you may be cynical about that now – I was too. But I found out that he was serious. He is our help, and he does love us.
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lovely post
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Thank you.
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I am 62, Been single almost all my life since age 18…..Am not mad at God for my singleness, just the usual christian view of how God is on this…..After seeing so many people that should have someone and many who it seems shouldn’t…. Seems God isn’t involved at all….. And we are all on our own at getting or due to circumstances , not having anyone……this seems more logical to me, than God withholding something good in my life….
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These are difficult questions. I admire your honesty.
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Thanks for dropping by Brandon.
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I believe seeing me broken, depressed and in pain (physical as well as emotional) brings God great joy. At fifty my life has been nothing but one huge disappointment. It will never improve. My best years are behind me. I missed out on everything that gives life meaning and joy. I mean everything.
The only life milestone ahead of me is the tombstone. I think God laughs at seeing my heartache and tears. I continue to go to church and pray and read the Bible. Outwardly I’m still doing the right things. Not-of course–that I hope to cash in on these disciplines. God has not come through for me in the past and He won’t in the future either. He doesn’t have to, of course. I just know asking Him for anything is futile though I force myself to go through the motions, knowing He doesn’t care enough to respond to anything I ask. Even the pure, unselfish stuff goes unanswered if I ask for it.
As old and sick as I am it’s too late for anything. Life is over. Why am I still left here? An ancient, sickly, dried up hag at death’s door but still in the land of the living. If you can call this living.
(And don’t worry. Before you pretend to be sooo concerned about me doing you-know-what to myself and say, “Get professional help! Your sadness and discouragement are not real, legitimate emotions that humans experience. Just symptoms that your brain is broken!” rest assured I have no intention of doing that. I know the emotional pain occasionally gets better and fear eternal punishment for doing The Unthinkable. Praying for release leaves it in God’s hands. But He hasn’t even granted me that.)
I keep remembering thirty years ago when life lay ahead of me, and hope and love and joy were still possibilities. Then something horrible and cruel ruined everything. Not my fault either. God did nothing. It will never be made right either. Not as old as I am. Not just were those decades a complete waste but I’m too old and chronically ill for anything to improve. I hate the life I’ve been cursed with. I’m horribly old and DO NOT want a loveless, joyless sham “marriage” to some loathsome hideous, senile old man now that I’m a loathsome, hideous, dried-up old hag either! I am dead inside and no longer feel the positive emotions and capacity for love or attachments I did at twenty. It is too late in cases like mine since the body and brain decay and the grave approaches. Disease is real. Old age and decline are real. Mortality is real. We do not have forever because we are mortal.
At fifty I sit around alone. Brooding about the past. Getting angry about how horrible everything became and is now. Despairing as I mull over how things will never improve for me. Fifty is not eighty but it’s too old to start anything you haven’t already gotten well underway and started long ago. Too old for children or falling in love.
When you see two old people who weren’t married long ago in their youth carrying on in public, rest assured they’re just pretending to have romantic feelings for each other. Old people have no hormones, hot blood or energy and can’t have make besides being ugly, physically if not cognitively incapacitated and often smelly. Fifty does not feel like twenty, nor does seventy. Old age makes falling in love impossible. Men only can love gorgeous women. 70-year-old women are far less attractive than 20-year-olds so the old man must be pretending to feel anything. Anything God sent now would be completely pointless. Not even a consolation prize. A booby prize.
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Then again God is so very evil and rotten to begin with since there are many of us single guys out there that were really hoping to meet the right good woman for us which still hasn’t happened yet. God without a doubt has definitely cursed us the way i look at it since it is really no fun at all being single and alone all the time when so many millions and millions of other’s are a ll settled down with their loved ones. And with the kind of very entitled narcissists feminists stuck up very horrible women that God really created these days certainly made it much worse for many of us that never ever wanted to be single in the first place. At least back in the old days most women were nothing like today at all either which is why our family members really lucked out when they met one another back then at that time.
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I can certainly understand how these search terms became so common. As a single guy in my late twenties, I find myself Googling these things a lot. There’s lots of reasons, for sure. Sometimes I want a place to validate my own emotions. Sometimes I wonder how other people deal with it via the comments section. Sometimes I wonder if the article authors have some new insight I missed. Sometimes I wonder how different commentators approach these question. And, when I’m feeling cynical, I want to find some Christianese clichés and platitudes I can scoff at.
It’s understandable that people feel like God doesn’t care. God often seems silent in the modern age. The main way we learn about him through Scripture, but the Bible doesn’t have all that much to say about marriage or singleness, and the culture back then was just so different. The few things we do read about singleness in the Bible don’t always seem terribly helpful. Reading 1 Corinthians 7 can often stir reactions like these:
“Oh, Paul says I should get married if I don;t want to be single? Sure easy for him to say. I wish I’d thought of that! He makes it sound so easy!”
“Oh, Paul’s opinion is that singleness is better than marriage? He actually RECOMMENDS singleness over marriage? What a weirdo!”
“You think singleness is better? Good for you, Paul! More power to you!”
Comaprison also plays a huge role here. If you’re in a church community as a single guy/girl, you probably know plenty of married folks, attend lots of weddings, and see lots of people find love apparently by coincidence, while you put actual effort and intetionality into dating but always come up empty. Then these dating/married folks often say, without hesitation, and with total conviction, that God blessed them with their partner, and that God played a direct role in bringing them together. You hear pastors say this at weddings a lot too. It can definitely get on your nerves when you’re single.
Like you said, loneliness is real. If you’re single, there’s no Band-aid to slap on your gaping wounds. If you’re lomely, you can’t pray that feeling away. If you want physical intimacy or sex, there’s no way to repress that desire or ignore it. And, like you said, God doesn’t promise a spouse to anyone. This truth can be quite the challenge to wrestle with, and for manhy it might be a day-by-day stuggle for their entire earthly life. It’s not something you can get rid of or pray away.
But, like you said, God certainly cares about us. I don’t doubt that.
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I have given up on marrying. But I struggle because my singleness seems to invalidate my salvation. It definitely shows I’m not a member of Christ’s church.
I believe God enjoys seeing me broken and crying in pain. It must make Him laugh with delight.
I have embraced the empty life of depression and emotional pain the sadist in the sky wants for me. Just like the folks at church told me too. Why should I want to draw near to the One who hates me and only means me harm? Who is only full of wrath and condemnation as He scowls down and shakes his fist?
Singleness proves God is angry at you according to most. Either He is withholding because you aren’t godly or spiritually mature enough to deserve a spouse. Or He is punishing you with extended singleness because you must have sinned by doing X, Y, Z or neglecting to do A, B, C. Singles are inferior to marrieds in every way possible. They are blessed and loved. We are despised and hated. Matrons at church have often told me this.
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Rachel, I cannot emphasize enough how quickly you should leave that church behind and find one that correctly teaches the Word. Both Jesus and Paul teach clearly that singles are no less delighted in, and used, by God.
I definitely understand the ache. I know it well. I especially resonate with “Why draw near to Him when he hates me?” And it took me some pride-swallowing for me to put my desire aside for a while and just let God love me and let that love prove itself real. But I did, and He did, and it did.
I’m praying for you tonight.
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I’ve looked a lot for things on this topic, this is the only one to make me feel like they actually understand the pain of loneliness. Most sum it up as either “you don’t have to feel that way” (as if I’ve chosen it) or “it’s a opportunity to focus more on your relationship with God” (Closeness with God does not take away loneliness, no matter how much I wish it did). This doesn’t heal the pain, but feeling seen about it, for the first time, helps.
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Yeah, I hear those pat answers too often as a single guy. It’s so frustrating. And it does help a bit to feel seen, at least. Mainly because you often don’t.
As a single guy, and as a guy who loves reading, I look for a lot of Christian books and articles on these things, too, often simply out of curiosity at how different people approach these questions (and with how much sensitivity, or not) I often brace myself when I find out that these authors are married.
Sometimes pastors will give you answers like that, telling you that you have to be more “content” with being single or to “focus on God more.” Is that what these married pastors did when they desired marriage? Or did they actually take action to get married?
Some of these commentators seem to believe that all the Good Christians must be joyful and content all the time,and if you express any pain about being single, you’re too focused on “wordly things.” You’re not “looking to Jesus” enough. Like they’re saying we’re wring for “feeling” a certain way about it. As if we can change that. So furstrating, sometimes.
When Paul talked about singles who desired marriage, he encouraged those people to marry. He didn’t beat them over the head about how they have to be more “content.” He didn’t even tell them to wait on God’s timing. he told them to take action and get married.
Another line people will try is that your situation as a single is good because it demonstrates God’s “sufficiency” to all the Christians who are married or desired marriage. (eye roll) Yeah, sure. I’m sure that’s exactly what these people are thinking about as they pursue romantic dreams, date people, get engaged, get married, or have sex. Gee! Glad I can highlight that for them!
Some of these pat answers just seem too dishonest. Some commentators, married or nor, will pay some superficial lip service to the “difficulties” of singleness. “Yes, singleness is hard, but……” Then they’ll start an overly dramatic presentation of how “amazing” it is. Or how much time you have to “focus on God.” Or how it paints such a “beautiful” picture of you relying on God, instead of a spouse. Or something. It all sounds so canned and desperate sometimes. Like they don’t really understand the reality.
The message you often pick up on from well-meaning people (often from married pastors) is something like “Singleness is a gift from God. Why aren’t you happy about it?” Then they imply that you have “work to do” because your heart isn’t in the right place or something. We have to be more “content.” It’s like when you’re craving a piece of cake, and a guy next you is eating the only available piece while assuring you, “Calm down, this isn’t that good.” So weird, and nauseating sometimes.
Well, yeah, sure, Christ is “all we need” and all that. Sure, you may or may not have “more time” to serve God and all that. But it comes with a lot of hardships, too. You won’t have a family of your own. You don’t have someone to do life with. No one to talk to after a hard day. You’ll have to constantly struggle with sexual desires and temptations, for which there is no release and expression that is not categorically sinful. And then you have to hear all the cliché Christianese advice from some Christian or pastor who was married at 21. These people will often tell you that “Jesus is enough.” Well, they got married, didn’t they? Apparently, Jesus wasn’t enough for them.
In the modern world, we don’t really deal directly with God very much. We often experience God’s work and love through other Christians. And, of course, the most intimate form this sort of relationship takes will be a marriage. If you desire that, and miss out on that, it’s very painful. It’s not something you can just “replace” with other Christian friendships, or relationships with your family, or all that. There’s no real substitute for it, if you have a strong desire for it. Sex, or the lack of physical affection, is just one part of that painful reality. There’s so many others. If you have strong sexual desires, you can’t just get rid of those by praying more, or reading your Bible more, or singing more, or doing all the Good Christian Things. If you’re married, you may or may not understand that, to various degrees. If you’re single for far longer than you planned, you learn all of these realities over and over again in so many painful ways.
Anyway. Don’t mean to rant here too much.
For sure, singleness comes with a lot of pain when you don’t want it. And you often feel invisible in it, definitely.
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