Godly is Sexy

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“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

godlyA well-known verse. But would you be interested in a male paraphrasing, overheard from an old Air Force colleague of mine?

“For every sexy woman, there are five guys in her wake who got sick of her crap.”

Crude, perhaps. Highly generalized, certainly. And you have to wonder whether all five of those men were as crap-free as he made them sound. (You’ll notice I called the guy a colleague, not a buddy.)

But if you’re rolling your eyes at a male reading of Proverbs 31, you might be surprised to learn that the chapter was written to men. Women have grabbed it and run with it as a means of educating their youngers (praise God for it), but the audience of the entire book of Proverbs is actually men. Read the book sometime; notice all the invitations for sons to learn discernment, to avoid the adulteress and the dripping faucet, to live as a pillar of wisdom.

And those words are needed.

“Desiring a healthy and vibrant sex life in marriage is a good and even wise thing. But for the Christian it’s not ultimate. As a single Christian man, I desire a spiritually healthy marriage before a sexually healthy one, though I trust the former encourages the latter. Therefore, I’m willing to trust God and wait, not because I want to have the most euphoric wedding night with someone I’m perfectly sexually compatible with, but because I want a healthy, God-honoring marriage after the wedding night with the person to whom I’ve just committed my life.” – Hafeez Baoku

I love it when I stumble across an article that speaks to what I’m pondering. It’s a God thing. Got to be. To him be the glory.

We need to be thinking about the after. When real life and boredom assert themselves over a marriage, it needs to be about more than just tan lines and muscles and things that happen after 10pm, because there’s still a 7am to deal with. Get over their surface. Get under their surface; ask God to reveal who that person really is.

That’s going to require a revolution on our part. A renewing of our minds.

I do not understand my gender’s insistence on being blind to all but physical figure in women. Forgive me, guys, for stereotyping us. But we do have this problem. That Air Force dude wasn’t wrong – we need to be wise. We all know that one bombshell who has had everything handed to her on a silver platter since she got her teeth fixed in middle school. The movies exaggerate her just a little, but she does exist. That’s what “the system” does for looks or talent or connected parents. (I would know. I was a teacher.)

Ladies, I plead with you as well in your search for husband material. Rare, it would seem, is the strapping business suit who treats well anyone he doesn’t need to. You think you’ll be the exception? The internet is drowning in stories to the contrary. I once got to mentor a strapping quarterback who was hitting 9th grade; the attention was already going to his head. Wouldn’t you rather find a guy who values everyone he meets, whether they have something to offer him or not? Who sees people through God’s eyes rather than his own?

Christian singles, do you honestly think that sharing someone’s bed – even within the confines of marriage, as we are commanded – will make up for selfishness, pettiness, or unfaithfulness?

Maybe it’s just me, but I could not imagine trying to be that vulnerable with a wife I don’t trust to chase God.

I know the world is urging you, deafeningly, to look for “sexy”. But what’s really going to leave you thirsty for your mate in the long run?

And what of readiness? Tragically, this is something that a lot of “Singles’ Lists” don’t feature, the readiness to live as God has prescribed. This isn’t Candyland we’re venturing into; it’s more like Mordor. Strife, injustice, and selfishness are running amok in this world. No amount of “kissing in the rain” or surprise dates are going to make that stuff go away, so drop the silly Facebook memes. We need more. We need to understand the armor of God, the ways of wisdom, and most importantly, how to connect with God. We need to be able to hear our Shepherd’s voice.

This stuff is sexy. Godly is sexy. Character, readiness, surrender – this is our shield against the evil both outside and inside ourselves. It creates trust. And if there’s one thing the world and the church seem to agree on, it’s that trust comes in handy in bed. (Or so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know.)

Having walked the single path for a while, I find myself coming up with five things I wish Christian singles’ doctrine had taught me to look for. Don’t be intimidated; God isn’t waiting to marry you off until you master all these, in large part because you’ll need decades to do so. Neither am I suggesting you wait for the perfect person. That’ll be a long wait. As in seventy years. But I will not apologize for urging you to aim for the top of the apple tree.

If you want to be able to reach up there, climb up there yourself. As you’ve heard before, singles, train. It’s the responsible thing to get started now. Prepare now.

Find someone who…

 

1. …knows the spiritual disciplines

Prayer and Bible reading are, of course, essential. I wouldn’t blame a woman for shooting me down if I didn’t do these things.

But the truth is, not only are even eager Christians barely scratching the surface there, but there is more. Richard Foster classifies things like solitude, simplicity, confession, and celebration (amongst others) as spiritual disciplines. Whaaa? Some of us didn’t even know these things needed practice. But I have found intentional value in all of them.

I would recommend Foster’s Celebration of Discipline. Seek out the Biblical arts of getting closer to God and taking part in what he’s doing. And look for someone who has at least started integrating them into their walk.

 

2. …suffers well

You don’t want to be five years and two kids deep in a marriage, wake up one day to excruciating trial, and hear your spouse go “Wait, what?? The Christian life involves pain?” and lock themselves in the bathroom or garage. Or at least I don’t.

There’s always a bit of a shock to discovering the Christian path has thorns. But one huge benefit to my single season is that my shock came during that time, where it wouldn’t inflict collateral damage on a wife or kids. I got to skip live-fire training. I remember groaning at age 24, “man, life is hard; some people just don’t win in this life”. That was a very good thing to realize before marrying, because I had a chance to prepare – to rejoice in trials, turn to God for strength, and find silver linings and opportunities every day. I hope to marry someone who can be a similar shelter, putting on a God-powered smile, teaching the kids to be grateful for what they have and use it inventively.

 

3. …gets spiritual warfare

Am I saying turn someone down who doesn’t know this stuff? Not really.

But this is an undervalued trait in most Christian singles’ books. Some people are weirded out by spiritual warfare, or by those who obsess over or abuse it. Yet I’ve found it to be vital in my life, both in fending off Satan’s attacks and wrangling my internal life into submission to God. You don’t need to start with Ed Murphy’s Handbook of Spiritual Warfare (good grief, what a tome), but even someone who knows the basics is an unspeakable blessing.

Be that person yourself. Read about the authority Jesus gives us to renounce oppressive spirits. Learn how to bring God’s truth, out loud, against the foul whispers directed at your soul. Even if it’s just knowing how to pray off a vague sadness around your house instead of shrugging and turning on the TV, seek what God is offering. You’re going to want to protect your family.

 

4. …is moving in the same direction

S/he could be a warrior poet with unimpeachable Christian character and still be a bad match for you. Not every believer is given the same calling you are, or anything remotely close. We’re not all called to be missionaries to Tanzania, or soldiers, or politicians. Ask whether that “sexy” believer you’re looking at is well-equipped to ride whatever ripple effects God’s call brings upon your life.

 

5. …is open to change

This is the most non-negotiable. Hands down. It’s like a blanket cover of the previous four – and anything else you can think of. Making your spouse more affirming, more patient, more industrious, more frugal, better at the “little things”, you name it – if the other person is broken before God, they can be transformed. You want that in a mate.

On the other hand, I don’t care how hot a woman is – if she makes excuses for her life or puts her own happiness ahead of God’s, I’m not touching her with a twenty-foot plank. Massive turnoff. It can only spell trouble for a marriage. Ladies, feel free to say the same of a man. If he refuses counsel or the movements of the Spirit, drop him like a hot potato. The only place he can lead you is over a cliff.

 

Be willing to wait until the right material shows up.

Yes, I know. You almost want to cry out. Wait some more? Yes. I am unapologetic in saying this. There are absolutely times when singleness is the better option. I don’t like it either, but I suspect I’d like the alternative even less, if God is telling the truth. We just have to trust that he knows the options best.

And how can we turn down yet another chance to train our trust muscles?

59 thoughts on “Godly is Sexy”

  1. Hahaha, I really love your take on this single and godliness talk. Beauty is fleeting but a woman who loves and praises the Lord is worthy to be praised. You know, I never saw the book of Proverbs as a book written specifically to men as the audience. It’s an interesting perspective and take on that that you have there.

    Sherline

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  3. Loved Richard Foster’s Celebration of Discipline – it definitely broadened my perspective on the manifold spiritual disciplines. Such a rich book.

    Number 4 on your list has been by far the most important for me in determining whether or not to enter or continue in a relationship. I have had to trust God enough to turn away from men who are strong and maturing in Christ because I know God has laid specific things on my heart to do, and they’re not in line with those particular things. Not easy, but definitely faith-building, as God is faithful in the wait.

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      • Ah! I am working through the book of Acts right now. The Apostles were bold too when it came to sharing God’s Word. They received push back, but they were able to also start a wildfire for the Lord. Best of luck!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Must be Valentines Day. This subject is on lots of blogs right now. I blogged about it myself, kind of. You’re right: Godly is sexy. I like reading about this from a man’s perspective. Thanks!

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  10. Brandon, I’m sure glad that I can claim you as my little brother. You make the kingdom of believers look good. Great post. Society and media so influences us that it bleeds into how we see ourselves versus how the Bible says we should see ourselves. Thanks for this post!

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  11. Great post. As far as #3, I would recommend “Unbound” by Neil Lozano. It is deep but also quite relatable. I would also add that knowing about or at least being willing to learn about generational curses/problems that have passed on are SO important to be on the same page about as two people discern marriage.

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  12. I was single until I was 35 because I ws looking for a godly man. When I found him… words cannot describe the joy of our lives together, going the same direction… toward the Father!

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  13. I did the deepest belly chuckle when I transferred to your site and saw the words, “Godly is sexy.” I have said something to that effect throughout my marriage! (We’re close to kissing “60” now – and we married mid-thirties+). I have said to my husband OFTEN that the sexiest thing about him, to me, is the depth of his love for the LORD. In and of ourselves, we’re the least sexy people you’ll meet, yet our love for God is OO-LAH-LAH 🙂 ** !!

    “You’re my second favorite love,” I tell him…and, echoed in his eyes are an acknowledgement that he, also, loves me “second.” It becomes an unshakeable passion in the purest experience of Love. We’re a mess – and we never need to hide it. F R E E D O M !

    God is good.
    🙂

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  17. Thank you for your like on my post ‘Either you run the day…or the day runs you’.

    There’s a lot of material out there in the blog world, and millions of wonderful people, so I’m always on the lookout for stories that have something different. Your writing caught my attention, and seeing your consistency in writing, and the depth and scope of your articles, I’m grateful that God has been doing such wonderful things in your life, and you have those stories to share. I can testify to the dark side of ruined men’s lives, and what enormous act of grace, as well as the sacrificial love of our wonderful wives, is required to get guys back together again, so I’m deeply grateful for men like you who are willing to stand and not fall.

    I pray that many guys will be influenced by what you write and pray, and that God will use you to save many guys from the loss of their true manhood.

    I’d like to include your blog in the list of blogs worth reading on my blog. I don’t have a huge readership as I’ve recently only started blogging, being someone who shies away from social networking and being public, but you never know who that person will be who will want to check out those blogs and be struck by that one particular post.

    God bless you Brandon, and I pray for the perfect (in God’s eyes) helpmate for you and protection in the wait for both of you.

    Many regards,
    Indi (I’m the dad in the photo)

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  18. Reblogged this on Light-bites For Your Heart and commented:
    I simply love it when I find a blog that’s worth re-blogging.

    A piece of writing that is so perfect that I don’t need to justify why I’m sharing it.

    For Christmas just gone, I asked my loved-ones for items that are commonly known as beauty products.

    Although I thought I was diligent in exercising wisdom by reading reviews before all my purchases, in conclusion, everything I bought ended up being a total waste of money (guilt, regret, disappointment, but mostly guilt) as all the items were naff and worthy of the trash can, dustbin or whatever you call the container where you place your rubbish.

    There was a hair product that I excitedly thought would enhance my tresses and make them look sleek and gorgeous. Huh! The seller deceived me greatly and so instead, I am walking around looking like a scarecrow.

    And there were nail products that simply don’t work, so instead of me having beautiful shiny talons, I’m wandering around with my fists clenched so no-one will spot the disaster at the end of my fingers.

    It got me thinking about vanity, pride and wrong priorities and what message my dear Heavenly Father is trying to get into my silly head.
    What is really important for him to see in his daughter? What does my husband desperately need to see in me? Smooth hair and glistening nails or a radiant heart?

    So it was a delight for me to stumble across this blog today. Maybe I didn’t stumble – maybe I was lead.

    Enjoy.

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  20. Thank you Brandon for stepping out there! Great insights and a great challenge – it’ll take a revolution on our part! Keep learning and keep teaching what you learn – this too is discipleship! Glad to be in the trenches with you, and thanks as well for stopping by Rogue Millennials blog to see what we’re up to 🙂

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  21. Excellent post Brandon!
    You touched on some very important points.
    But the sad part is you can get married and still be single spiritually. That’s why point 5 stood out the most to me.
    I was married 16 years then divorced because I didn’t want to change my immature perspective on marriage. If someone thinks being married is all about them I suggest them to not do it. Trust me it won’t work.
    This time I prayed for God to send me a wife.
    BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR…
    He sent me a godly sexy woman inside and out. But she’s also a woman of discernment.
    Let’s just say God like to use my wife to help me become the man He wants me to be.
    It took me years to learn this but once I became open to this truth we became one in spirit.
    What God taught me the most about marriage is me loving my wife isn’t based on who she is but on who I am through Him.
    This allows Nicole to be human without being judged by me or me trying to change her.
    People always say marriage is hard and it is if YOU’RE not willing to change your actions and your perspectives.
    Thanks again my friend.

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  23. I read a lot about this topic but they are mostly written by women which is no problem at all 😊 There is a lot to learn from fellow sisters in Christ but I must say there is something inspiring and motivating learning the same truth from a male’s perspective. Thank you for sharing Brandon! May you keep your eyes on the prize! Blessings!

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  25. Very good advise Brandon, I wish I had heard it when I was young but than being an Atheist for almost 30 years after being deceived in my teen years that I came from an Ape and Jesus was just made up, I’m sure I would not have listened or if I had would not have understood.

    But being a Grannie Annie today to many Children and having asked for God’s Wisdom and Empowering by The Spirit and receiving them, I do understand and although I can’t change the past, Wow what a wonderful Eternity ahead.

    The Proverbs 31 Woman is Spiritual, something not always known or understood it’s not just a Woman keeping house and all Scripture is for both Men and Woman, Spiritually we are one in Christ Jesus even if our Roles are different, I will leave a link for you Brandon to save detail here, perhaps you would like to read about just how Precious Woman are to God and yes Men too.

    Galatians 3:28-29 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither Male nor Female for ye are all one in Christ Jesus and if ye be Christ’s then are ye Abraham’s seed and heirs according to the Promise.

    1 Corinthians 6:17 But he that is joined unto the Lord is One Spirit.(KJV)

    Woman- https://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2015/06/23/woman-are-precious-to-god/

    Christian Love and Blessings – Anne (Grannie Annie)

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  27. I enjoyed your article. It was clearly well thought out and written from the heart. I appreciate it. I’m not particularly Christian but I firmly believe that a healthy relationship that encourages equal growth is rooted in compatibility of spirit, mind and emotion. You can still grow without that environment but it’s rocky soil indeed. Be blessed.

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  28. Pingback: Single and Feeling Like God Doesn’t Care? | Brandon J. Adams

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