The Classroom Quotables Collection

In the vein of “Kids Say the Darndest Things”, the following is a series of quotes lifted directly from the four years of math class I taught, grades 7-12.

Student #1: “Mr. Adams, do you have any siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Student #2: “Did he turn out better?”

Me: “So, any material from your math class that you’ve been struggling with?
Student: “Not really.”
Me: “Nothing that you’ve found annoying lately?”
Student: “Just you.”

Student: “You’re mean, Mr. Adams.”
Me: “I’m not mean. I just have expectations for you, including doing work.” Student: “That’s how you’re mean.”
Me: “Well, I’m not sure what I can do about that.”
Student: “You could quit your job.”

Student #1: “Mr. Adams, why do some people laugh at funerals?”
Me: “Maybe the deceased person wants their loved ones to be happy even at their funeral. I would.”
Student #2: “I’m going to dance on your grave, does that count?”

Student: “Mr. Adams, did you know I haven’t had a whole lot of girlfriends?”
Me: “Mmhmm.”
Student: “…this year?”
Me: “What?”
Student: “I know, right? Hey, how many girlfriends had YOU had by the time you were our age?”
Me: “None.”

Me: “Spit your gum out, please.”
Student: “What gum?” *chews*
Me: “That gum.”
Student: “Okay.” *drops chewed gum into lap*
Me: “That’s disgusting. I meant into the garbage.”
Student: “How about if I keep it in a special place?” *sticks gum behind his ear*

Me: “…but if we multiply by a negative, we have to switch the inequality sign.”
Student: “That’s confusing.”
Me: “At first. It’s a new wrinkle.”

Student: “Hey Mr. Adams, wanna see a picture of my friend?”
Me: “Sure.”
Student: *holds out a mirror*

Me to a student: “And how are you this morning?”
Student: “Horrible. Life is throwing FROZEN lemons at me, so I can’t even make lemonade.”

Me: “So let’s say you purchase something with 6% sales tax. What should we have you purchasing?”
Student #1: “Hot cheetos!”
Student #2: Twinkies!”
Student #3: “A 2-liter of Mountain Dew!”
Me: “Okay, how about something that’s NOT food or drink?”
Student #2: “Top Ramen?

Me: “Remember, these daily warmups are graded. You can use them as an extra boost to your grade. Kind of like a lifejacket.”
Student: “Sorry, Mr. Adams, I drowned months ago.”

Student: “So Mr. Adams, did you enjoy the Czech Republic?”
Me: “Uhh. How did you know about that?”
Student: “I found your Facebook account.”
Me: “Ah. So you were Facebook-stalking me.”
Student: “Yep. You look prepubescent in your pictures.”

“Mr. Adams, you’ve made me want to grow up into a math teacher who wears awkwardly awesome polo shirts.”

Me: “I’d like you to redo these problems.”
Student: “Okay, I’ll try.”
Me (Yoda voice): “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”
Student: “Is that Gollum?”

Student #1: “Have you heard that whenever you sneeze, it’s actually because a ghost is passing through you?”
Me: “I’ve never heard that, no.”
Student #1: “I mean, I know they say it’s just dust particles, but if you think about it, wouldn’t any ghost be pretty dusty?”
Student #2: “She has a point.”

Student #1: “I despise math. If I could crawl into my desk to hide from it, I would do so.”
Me: “Please don’t.”
Student #2: “I like cheese.”

Student: “Hi, Mr. Adams! I’m the happiest person in the world today!!!”
Me: “Awesome! And why is that?”
Student: “I dunno, I just am!!!” *skips out*
Student (slinking in ten minutes later): “I just wanna crawl under a rock and DIE!!!!”

Student: “Mr. Adams, can you tell me where you got your haircut? Because I never want to go there.”

Student: “Mr. Adams, have you ever been tasered by a fence?”
Me: “A fence?”
Student: “Yeah, a fence.”
Me: “You mean, touched an electric fence? Yes, once.”
Student: “It happened to me this weekend! Isn’t it amazing? I highly recommend it.”

Me: “Examine the misleading chart on the right. Why do you think someone would create such a chart?”
Student: “So we can spot its mistakes in 2nd period math.”

Me: “Why does the graph at the left (displaying increasing distance of a car over time) show a flat stretch at the 2-hour mark?”
Student answer: “The driver stopped to eat toenails dipped in chocolate.”

Me: *turns on Mission: Impossible theme tune in class for a little atmosphere*
Student: “Hey! Double-oh-seven!”

Student #1: “I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of Alexia…”
Class: “NONONO, Alexia, that’s not how it goes!”
Student #2: “Time to move to Greenland.”

“Mr. Adams, why do you teachers always tell us to keep our desks organized and then let THAT happen?” *points to my cluttered disaster zone of a desk*

Student #1: “Mr. Adams, what can divide evenly into both eight and twenty-four?”
Me (distracted): “Sorry, say that again?”
Student #1: “Forget it, I don’t like repeating myself.”
Me: “Welcome to my life. I repeat myself fifty times a day.”
Student #2: “They should just put that in your contract: ‘Repeat yourself fifty times a day.'”

Student: “I’m telling you, Mr. Adams…all you have to do is ruffle your hair a bit and then stab yourself in the forehead with a fork, and you’ll look JUST like Harry Potter!”

Student: “Mr. Adams, are you cold?”
Me: “A little bit. Why?”
Student: “You should go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees there.”

Me: “I die a little inside every time one of you guys is absent.”
Student: “Well, I’m out for all of next week, so your life expectancy’s going down.”

26 thoughts on “The Classroom Quotables Collection

  1. Thank you so much for the laugh. Loved the ‘awkwardly awesome polo shirts’ comment and the Gollum kid, but my favorites were the ‘tasered by a fence’ comment and the Harry Potter kid. Do you still teach?

    Liked by 1 person

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