In the vein of “Kids Say the Darndest Things”, the following is a series of quotes lifted directly from the four years of math class I taught, grades 7-12.

1.
Student #1: “Mr. Adams, do you have any siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Student #2: “Did he turn out better?”

2.
Me: “So, any material from your math class that you’ve been struggling with?
Student: “Not really.”
Me: “Nothing that you’ve found annoying lately?”
Student: “Just you.”

3.
Student: “You’re mean, Mr. Adams.”
Me: “I’m not mean. I just have expectations for you, including doing work.” Student: “That’s how you’re mean.”
Me: “Well, I’m not sure what I can do about that.”
Student: “You could quit your job.”

4.
Student #1: “Mr. Adams, why do some people laugh at funerals?”
Me: “Maybe the deceased person wants their loved ones to be happy even at their funeral. I would.”
Student #2: “I’m going to dance on your grave, does that count?”

5.
Student: “Mr. Adams, did you know I haven’t had a whole lot of girlfriends?”
Me: “Mmhmm.”
Student: “…this year?”
Me: “What?”
Student: “I know, right? Hey, how many girlfriends had YOU had by the time you were our age?”
Me: “None.”
Student: “WHOOOOAAAAAA, MAN, YOU’RE CRAY-CRAY!”

6.
Me: “Spit your gum out, please.”
Student: “What gum?” *chews*
Me: “That gum.”
Student: “Okay.” *drops chewed gum into lap*
Me: “That’s disgusting. I meant into the garbage.”
Student: “How about if I keep it in a special place?” *sticks gum behind his ear*

7.
Me: “…but if we multiply by a negative, we have to switch the inequality sign.”
Student: “That’s confusing.”
Me: “At first. It’s a new wrinkle.”
Student: “NOOOO I’M TOO YOUNG FOR WRINKLES!!!

8.
Student: “Hey Mr. Adams, wanna see a picture of my friend?”
Me: “Sure.”
Student: *holds out a mirror*

9.
Me to a student: “And how are you this morning?”
Student: “Horrible. Life is throwing FROZEN lemons at me, so I can’t even make lemonade.”

10.
Me: “So let’s say you purchase something with 6% sales tax. What should we have you purchasing?”
Student #1: “Hot cheetos!”
Student #2: Twinkies!”
Student #3: “A 2-liter of Mountain Dew!”
Me: “Okay, how about something that’s NOT food or drink?”
Student #2: “Top Ramen?

11.
Me: “Remember, these daily warmups are graded. You can use them as an extra boost to your grade. Kind of like a lifejacket.”
Student: “Sorry, Mr. Adams, I drowned months ago.”

12.
Student: “So Mr. Adams, did you enjoy the Czech Republic?”
Me: “Uhh. How did you know about that?”
Student: “I found your Facebook account.”
Me: “Ah. So you were Facebook-stalking me.”
Student: “Yep. You look prepubescent in your pictures.”

13.
“Mr. Adams, you’ve made me want to grow up into a math teacher who wears awkwardly awesome polo shirts.”

14.
Me: “I’d like you to redo these problems.”
Student: “Okay, I’ll try.”
Me (Yoda voice): “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”
Student: “Is that Gollum?”

15.
Student #1: “Have you heard that whenever you sneeze, it’s actually because a ghost is passing through you?”
Me: “I’ve never heard that, no.”
Student #1: “I mean, I know they say it’s just dust particles, but if you think about it, wouldn’t any ghost be pretty dusty?”
Student #2: “She has a point.”

16.
Student #1: “I despise math. If I could crawl into my desk to hide from it, I would do so.”
Me: “Please don’t.”
Student #2: “I like cheese.”

17.
Student: “Hi, Mr. Adams! I’m the happiest person in the world today!!!”
Me: “Awesome! And why is that?”
Student: “I dunno, I just am!!!” *skips out*
Student (slinking in ten minutes later): “I just wanna crawl under a rock and DIE!!!!”

18.
Student: “Mr. Adams, can you tell me where you got your haircut? Because I never want to go there.”

19.
Student: “Mr. Adams, have you ever been tasered by a fence?”
Me: “A fence?”
Student: “Yeah, a fence.”
Me: “You mean, touched an electric fence? Yes, once.”
Student: “It happened to me this weekend! Isn’t it amazing? I highly recommend it.”

20.
Me: “Examine the misleading chart on the right. Why do you think someone would create such a chart?”
Student: “So we can spot its mistakes in 2nd period math.”

21.
Me: “Why does the graph at the left (displaying increasing distance of a car over time) show a flat stretch at the 2-hour mark?”
Student answer: “The driver stopped to eat toenails dipped in chocolate.”

22.
Me: *turns on Mission: Impossible theme tune in class for a little atmosphere*
Student: “Hey! Double-oh-seven!”

23.
Student #1: “I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of Alexia…”
Class: “NONONO, Alexia, that’s not how it goes!”
Student #2: “Time to move to Greenland.”

24.
“Mr. Adams, why do you teachers always tell us to keep our desks organized and then let THAT happen?” *points to my cluttered disaster zone of a desk*

25.
Student #1: “Mr. Adams, what can divide evenly into both eight and twenty-four?”
Me (distracted): “Sorry, say that again?”
Student #1: “Forget it, I don’t like repeating myself.”
Me: “Welcome to my life. I repeat myself fifty times a day.”
Student #2: “They should just put that in your contract: ‘Repeat yourself fifty times a day.'”

26.
Student: “I’m telling you, Mr. Adams…all you have to do is ruffle your hair a bit and then stab yourself in the forehead with a fork, and you’ll look JUST like Harry Potter!”

27.
Student: “Mr. Adams, are you cold?”
Me: “A little bit. Why?”
Student: “You should go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees there.”

28.
Me: “I die a little inside every time one of you guys is absent.”
Student: “Well, I’m out for all of next week, so your life expectancy’s going down.”