6 Surefire Ways to Drive Your Pizza Delivery Guy Crazy

jacketThis article is written under the assumption that delivery people are people, too.

We are happy to serve you, public. We are grateful for the business you bring us and intend to continue offering the best service possible to your doorstep, regardless of what happens there.

But at the risk of eliciting the phrase “first world problems”, if I may say so, we drivers risk our necks. The weather is nuts, the mugging threat is ever-present, and other drivers are doing very little to lower our blood pressure.

One day I shall crack, and the last you hear of me as they drag me into the funny farm will be something about an extra large pepperoni whose recipient forgot the tip or expected us to deliver to some preppers’ bunker two hours away in the mountains. That’s one thing.

But here are six lesser-known but consistent habits of pizza customers that also hasten the fateful day of our committing. If you wish to help, please read on.

 

1. Misplace your credit card when you’re placing your order.

Whatever you do, if you’re paying with a credit card over the phone, do not ensure that your card is within arm’s reach as you call. If we’re doing this thing properly, there should be at least a three-minute archaeological dig for the thing while we drivers wait on the other side, other phones ringing off the hook, orders stacking up beyond the screen’s edge, pizzas sitting in the warmer waiting with nobody to take them, and their future consumers adding their own follow-up calls to the melee.

 

2. Order from out and about, then try to beat us home.

The occasional customer, trying to plan ahead, will call from WalMart to order their pizza with the intention of getting home before our estimated 30-40 minute delivery window.

Key word, estimated. We sometimes outdo ourselves. Often, in fact.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve reached a residence with an order far ahead of the 30-minute mark, only to get no answer. I call the number and yep, they’re still pulling their kids off the checkout conveyor and trying to get out the sliding doors, not having expected me to be so early. Oh, friends! I must then wait in the car at temperatures sometimes 30 below, sometimes 30 Celsius, while they barrel home in a manner that would make the Simpsons proud. 

Or it will be…ahem, a post-activity period that they’re trying to time their food for.

Trust me, folks, when you open the door panting for breath, hair tousled, and distractedly fumbling with a robe, we can take a fair guess as to what you were just doing.

All because you didn’t allow us a chance to beat our usual delivery times.

If you want to embarrass us, feel free to keep trying this. (I suppose I’m not in a position to know when it succeeds, come to think of it.) But if you want the opportunity to be that customer who gets a fresh, piping hot pizza after just twenty minutes, order from home and give us a chance to excel for you!

 

3. Don’t turn your porch light on.

I’d seriously say that it’s the minority of customers who light their house numbers so we can find them.

It’s not so bad if their neighbors have theirs illuminated to help, but they didn’t just order 32 hot wings and a single side of marinara (yes, I’ve seen that order), so they’re even less likely to do it.

This leaves us delivery drivers trotting down darkened streets in the middle of winter, walking up to five different houses and awkwardly squinting. Talk about daring the neighborhood watch. I’ve actually seen people quit over this. (Did I mention we’re carrying food? In bear country?)

To ensure our trip to the loony bin as early in life as possible, please continue to ensure that you do not illuminate your house number in any fashion. The simplest strategy here is simply forgetting to turn on your porch light, but there are many helpful variations! Black numbering on dark brown siding is always a winner. Or you could stick the numbers right beneath the light, exactly where the mounting’s shadow falls. Then there’s the classic move of slapping big numbers on the front of a pillar and then positioning the porch light directly behind the pillar. We do love the classics.

Speaking of…

 

4. Let slip the dogs of war when we knock.

Okay, folks. You know you ordered a pizza. You did not forget you have dogs. Why not stick your little treasures in the backyard once we arrive? (Again, I suspect many do and I never know it.)

Yet I am so often bombarded by what I suspect would be “Ride of the Valkyries” if dog language could be translated, as they slam into the closed door en masse, their barking drowning and frantic skidding on the foyer linoleum out the ineffectual cries of their owner: “Fluffyyyy! Boboooo! Snifflllles! You stop it!!!”

And sometimes there’s a doggy door. Which promptly becomes a cannon. Aimed right at my groin.

Forgive me – I almost had my thumb ripped off by a dog when I was eleven or thereabouts, so I’m still a little leery of the species if I don’t know the owner.

 

5. Offer a $50 or $100 bill for payment.

I know this is all some of you have for various reasons, but consider: we drivers are not permitted to carry more than twenty dollars in our cars. Same reason as convenience stores: to carry more makes us targets for mugging. Plus, if we have an accident, our earnings for the night are scattered all over Sixth Street. Along with our lower intestines.

Even if the order is large enough to where can break your ginormous bill with our twenty, doing so drains that twenty. The other day I was on a double run; both orders were from a trailer park. The first customer handed me a fifty and got that twenty in return. I actually had to turn around in full view of the other customer down the street, return to the store, and get a new bank before taking the second order. The walls are closing in…

Then there’s the possibility that your benjamin might be counterfeited without you knowing.

I do not wish to inconvenience you, but if at all possible, please pay with cash using lower denominations. We’ll love you forever!

 

6. Ask for specials first.

Okay, this may vary for different chains. But here’s the dealio for mine.

  • Specials are the last thing we put into the system. We can’t apply a special to an item that hasn’t been selected yet.
  • We have specials for a ton of different combinations – probably fifty specials overall.
  • We don’t run weekly or daily specials. We may emphasize a few for various periods, but most of them run for months at a time (I think our “2 for $24” special was on when Moses parted the Red Sea). So the answer to “what are your specials?” is probably the same as it was two weeks ago.

And the best answer to that question is, “Well, how many pizzas are you thinking, and what sizes?”

See, we like you. We give you mad props for looking for savings and don’t blame you at all, but we want to keep your business in the first place! If you are looking to save money, tell us what you’re in the mood for, and we’ll be happy to find you a special that saves you some moolah. Trust us!

 

I sincerely hope that my sarcastic ranting has not sliced up your enthusiasm for pizza. Please feel free to order and we will continue to serve you with a smile, no matter what.

Please note I’m out this week, but will reply to your comments when I return. (I’m picking out my bed at the asylum.)

It’s Never Too Late to Come Back

Brandon J. Adams

waitingI have regrets.

It doesn’t matter how mine compare with yours. Scripture says they’re all the same in God’s eyes. So I cannot approach you with judgment in my heart.

Instead, I can relay this story.

‘I’ll get up, go to my father, and say to him, Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight. I’m no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired hands.  So he got up and went to his father. But while the son was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion. He ran, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight. I’m no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father told his slaves, ‘Quick! Bring out the best robe and put…

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When God Actually Answers

This weekend I received a massive, unexpected blessing. It came with a sobering cost, but it came, and it will allow me to make some changes I’ve long been working towards.

I’m still shaking my head at the out-of-nowhere nature of it, like a cat who smacked into a wall. God really does this stuff?

Brandon J. Adams

rainOur valley has been choked with thick, disheartening smoke for the better part of a month as our beloved Glacier National Park burns. It’s a tough fire to fight; Lake McDonald is a bowl, collecting smoke and giving it nowhere to disperse. Aircraft have reported being unable to even find the fire, so concentrated is the smoke.

(Note: this post was written in August of 2018.)

So, yesterday morning in church, we asked God to deliver the goods. We asked for rain.

He answered. That afternoon, a cold front bequeathed us a steady drizzle worthy of Seattle.

Today it not only continued, but turned into snow at higher elevations. In August. Granted, that isn’t actually unusual in Glacier, but this year, it couldn’t have been more welcome.

And I’m…kinda flabbergasted.

Disbelieving.

Happy, but disbelieving.

God healed my knee during a recent hiking trip. I know what my knee felt…

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Who Failed Who?

Though tragedy brings us the haunting worry that God has let us down, it is healthy to ask ourselves questions first.

alighttomyway

Psalms 75, 76, 77, 80

Have you ever felt like God isn’t keeping His promises? The psalmists did. They, like many of us, find ourselves in situations where God is noticeably silent or worse, absent. Didn’t God promise to never leave or forsake us, to be our strength and shield, to give us everything we need? So why does it seem there are times He reneges on His promises?

When the psalmists felt disappointed in God, they often started to remember the many ways God had been faithful in the past. God had proved His faithfulness over and over, fulfilled one promise after another. Then inevitably, they realized it was they, not God who had reneged on their promises to Him.

As I read the Bible I am reminded that God loves to bless His people. God longs to shower His children with love and joy and peace, and to…

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Love the Inconveniencers

Lord, help us get over ourselves.

Brandon J. Adams

lineI’m notorious at my church for car troubles.

In two separate cases over the years, I’ve experienced car troubles that forced me to drive markedly slower than the speed limit. First it was a trouble where the engine would stay reasonably cool as long as I stayed under about 55 MPH. The other instance was a weird transmission problem – if I slowed down from fourth gear, there would be a noticeable bump and my car would refuse to get back up into fourth gear. Meaning I could not travel over about 55 MPH for fear of over-rpm’ing. (I’m not a car person.)

No doubt this caused consternation for drivers behind me, especially on Montana’s many one-lane highways. Keep in mind that this is the state of “Reasonable and Prudent” fame. I can guess what was going through their minds as they stared endlessly at my tailpipe.

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My Blog Has a Facebook Page!

Yeerk. I hate self-promotion. I really do. This post will probably get deleted after a little while.

But it’s part of the job when you’re hoping to write a book. A little-known secret of authorship is that you must first prove your ability to market yourself, because publishers simply don’t have the resources to do it for you. If you’re going to compete for their attention, you have to show a ready audience.

So…ahem…

Hey, loyal followers! This staccato, semi-coherent blog now has a Facebook page! I use it to pass on thoughts and lessons God’s giving me (they all come from him) that don’t qualify for a blog post. But also to link to blog posts.

If you have surrendered to Facebook and would like to toss out a Like for it and its posts, I’d be super grateful. Here’s the link…

https://www.facebook.com/brandonjadamsblog/

Now back to your regularly scheduled frantic Fourth of July preparations. I was never here.

Why We All Need Some “Jesus Freak” Again

dctalkWonders never cease – dc Talk is touring in the U.S. again!

Though there’s no whispers of a new album, Michael Tait announced last week that dc Talk will be touring on land together for the first time in sixteen(?) years, starting in 2020. The dates and locations have yet to be announced.

The sequence of events when I read this:

1. Yell.

2. Pinch myself.

3. Yell again.

4. Check if it’s April 1.

6. Gab on Facebook about how we’re totally road-tripping for this.

7. “Holy cow, those guys look OLD”

8. Re-download Jesus Freak and Supernatural (the latter was sorely underrated, come at me).

9. Head-bang.

10. Advil.

11. There’s no 5 in this list.

12. You went back to look and are now chuckling at yourself.

13. Consider just how much we Christians might need “Jesus Freak” again.

I’ve briefly opined on the angsty/alternative phase Christian music underwent in the 90s. I wouldn’t call it insincere, but I don’t feel it did enough to prepare young people for suffering. The unexpected nature of suffering – jagged, unfair, isolating, relentless – got under-attended by Christian music in favor of riling people up to stand out against the world. And it’s something that keeps showing up in the autopsies when people walk away (though it’s unfair to lay the entire blame at music’s feet).

But it occurred to me – twenty years later, maybe what Christians need most is a call to stand out.

I’m not just talking about our witness, though that’s a weekly burr in pastors’ shoes. We fall into selfishness, gossip, anger, and tribalism as quickly as the next religion. It was Brennan Manning’s quote along these lines that we remember from the Jesus Freak album (Track 4):

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

I also mean our lost boldness.

We’re so hesitant to share our faith these days. I’m so hesitant. We make so many excuses, design so many shortcuts, apply so many disguises to the issue of sin and repentance. We’re too busy apologizing to the world for a message they’ve deemed unacceptable. In what universe does that make any sense?

The Man with the Tat on his Big Fat Belly would stand on his box in the middle of any American city. But we wouldn’t.

Whether the church earned its fall isn’t the point. Christians have been screwing up since Paul’s days; it didn’t change what he wrote.

The deepest question is, might our security be in the wrong place? Are we drawing our sense of approval from unsaved humans rather than God? If we were utterly free of the world’s opinion, if we were fully convinced of Matthew 10:28’s distribution of our priorities, what would we be teaching?

Well, we probably wouldn’t really care if they labeled us Jesus Freaks, ‘cuz there ain’t no denying the truth.

dc Talk injected a welcome dose of this freedom into our spiritual bloodstream. We’ve lost something sinceI pray that God gives Kevin, Toby, and Michael a powerful message for their tour.

And I pray for extra gas money, because people, I’m going. Imagine how many dad-bods will be in that mosh pit now…

 

I’m glad you tuned in today. If you found this post to be of value, please feel free to share it on social media.