It took me a while to find “my people”.
Returning home after the Air Force, I found friendmaking difficult. I’m far from a natural.
First I tried the church’s college group. Never really fit in. Then I latched onto a Bible study of older singles. They were good people but had grown up with more money, and therefore with hobbies and pastimes I struggled to get into. Regardless of where I turned, I found myself on many D-lists.
And just when I was finally starting to feel at home, God called me away on a four-year mission. I still traveled back and forth, but building friendships in that situation is constrained.
Honestly, those were lonely and confusing years.
It’s part of life. I don’t hold grudges; not everyone will like you, or needs to. And honestly, there are people I’ve regrettably put on my D-list.
Eventually, God turned things around. At this point I’d say I have found “my people”.
I tell this story because I know other believers in the same boat, and I want them encouraged. It can be a long trail to finding “your people”, the ones God gives us to share the steep or muddy stretches with, beyond the randomness of a small group. Our band of brothers, our caravan, the human-shaped blessings who “get” us and are healthy for us.
You think you’ve found them (high school); you lose them (college); you have to find new ones (adulting). I didn’t start gaining altitude again until about age twenty-five, and even then, the climb was barely perceptible.
But God was in it. He never leaves our side.
A few thoughts if you’re in the valley now.
1. Forgive.
It does no good to hold grudges towards those who didn’t connect with you. It only cuts you off from both God and others. Most of the people who politely turn down your friendship mean no harm, intend no ill messages, and wish you the best. Wish them back.
2. Ignore the messages.
Isolation will lie to you. Satan is quite happy to exploit such seasons with messages that blind you to your identity in Christ, messages of worthlessness and self-doubt. Fight that poison tooth and nail. Get into Scripture and find the antidotes. You are God’s.
3. Don’t settle.
I am 1) an introvert and 2) picky when it comes to people. It’s hard to regret these qualities, because they drastically cut down on the drama quotient in your life. But they can make friend-finding a longer process.
But 2) is Scripturally mandated. “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals'” (1 Cor. 15:33). “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Proverbs 13:20). Like dating, the temptation to just go along with those who “get” you, even if they’re not wise companions, is real.
Don’t settle. The wait is worth it.
4. Enjoy those you do find.
Sometimes our squad sneaks up on us. I was sometimes so focused on one person or group that I didn’t immediately notice the one or two loyal, interesting, high-character types that God was picking off each cluster for me. This is great. Trust me. They’re now my best mates, even from states or countries away. Relish them to the fullest.
5. Don’t give up.
God sometimes sends us on roundabout journeys to even his purposes (and we know life certainly isn’t accommodating). Don’t give up. You have not been abandoned. You’re not hopeless. You’re not globally incompatible.
Keep hitting your knees in prayer. Good things are coming!
I’m glad you tuned in today. If you found this post to be of value, please feel free to share it on social media. Thanks a bunch!
Brandon J. Adams 
Pingback: Handling Your Time in a Valley | Robin Luftig
Excellent advice & encouragement. I especially appreciate the reminder to not hold a grudge, but forgive AND wish others well as we go on our ways.
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Yeah, it’s not easy to do. But I have to remember that I haven’t been socially perfect, either. Parable of the Two Servants and such.
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If you don’t mind, I’d like to reblog on What Next.
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I’ll never say no to a reblog. 🙂
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Reblogged this on James' Ramblings.
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Thanks!
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A wonderful article, Brandon! It seems like a pattern that I’ve noticed, that God takes the ones who are the most hungry for Him through prolonged seasons that feel lonely, as He takes our roots down way deeper into His love and leaning heavily on fellowship with Him. You must have drawn so much closer to Him through all the long waiting. He is so proud of you! May He bless you as you continue to encourage others 🙂
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That’s an interesting pattern you’ve observed. I can’t argue.
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🙂 Grace and peace!
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You have written good insights into “finding your people”, as well as how to stay encouraged when you are in the “valley.” It feels great when you can at least identify one other person who “gets you” where you are – they are worth waiting for. 🙂
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Yep yep. 🙂 I’ve got several now. They tolerate me and I’m grateful.
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I have one more:
Some friendships are seasonal. Someone comes into your life for a time. Often we grow and learn from them and vice-versa, then we end up going our separate ways.
People have different callings in life. Cherish the memories with these friends, but don’t allow yourself to mourn as it was often Daddy who did the separating.
I use Paul and Barnabas who came to a point of disagreement over John Mark and ended up going separate ways.
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Also an excellent point, thanks for that!
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I’m an introvert and I’m picky too. Thank you so much for this post. I’ve always found it hard to try finding ‘my people’, but God has been faithful.
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And he will continue to be so.
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Really great post! Enjoyed reading it 😀 I’m an introvert too and struggle making new ‘quality’ friends.
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Hang in there!
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Thank you, Brandon, for sharing your experience of “finding.” Aren’t we blessed and grateful that the Lord goes before us? Just as He finds us, shepherding us into His flock, He brings together those of HIs own. We remember the multitudes who loved Jesus until others turned them against Him. And yet, what did He do? He finished the work He came to do, the means whereby we can endure the valleys (valleys of hope, I call them) as He continues to lead all His people. What a multitude we will know in eternity with Him. Blessings as you continue to witness of His work in you. 🙂
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Thank you.
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When you do find “your people,” it’s totally worth it! My people have came into my life in very unexpected ways, so I’ve learned to let go of my expectations of HOW God will send people into my life. In fact, one of my dearest friends and I met through our blogs!
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Yes, I’ve definitely received great words from God for my blogger friends, even though I haven’t met any of them in real life yet.
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