An Open Question to Christian Singles

Over the years, we have all received guidance on how to life the Christian single life.

Some of it has been good. Some of it never should have seen the light of day. And there is a great deal, I am growing to suspect, that has yet to be said at all – and very much needs to be.

We’ve had about twenty years to reflect on it all, and try it out on the streets, since the movement began. I’ve got a pretty firm grasp on how I feel about it at this point, but then again, the quickest way to be wrong is to limit yourself to just your opinion.

So, since you, my esteemed readership, includes some Christian singles, I wanted to ask for your thoughts in the comments section. (I would say “penny for your thoughts” but I’m broke.)

We can perhaps boil it down to three questions:

1. What singleness advice, teaching, or guidance have you received that was good? What was encouraging, edifying, or practical?

2. What singleness guidance was…not so good? And why?

3. Is there anything that has been left unsaid to the Christian celibate?

A few constraints:

  • You needn’t answer all three.
  • These are broad questions, so try limiting yourself to the top one or three things that occur to you.
  • I already hear some of you rubbing your hands together with irritated glee at #2, so before we pounce, a quick word: let’s be gracious. I know we’ve all gotten advice in the church foyer that drives us nuts. Our whole situation is notorious for that. But for the most part, the people giving us that advice are only trying to help. Let’s proceed from a place of gratitude for their heart for us, and season our words with that gratitude.
  • Feel free to repeat what someone else has said. Maybe put your own twist on it, but I do see value in discovering how certain things are weighted.
  • Married units, feel free to barge in. Your experiences from your own single years can still be valuable, and you still might have strong feelings about what the singles you know should be hearing.

The comment section is yours. I’m eager to hear your thoughts.

33 thoughts on “An Open Question to Christian Singles

  1. There are lots of advise on christian singles ranging from commitment, care, love, no premarital sex, being in Christ, patience, prayer and on and on.
    But the greatest mistake singles do is not praying to God to show them whether the person is meant for them.
    Mere professing love and keeping the relationship intact, living harmoniously does not mean the person is who God wants you to marry.
    Marriage is divine and should be followed divinely.

    Thank you.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. The best advice that I’ve received is (((it’s better to wait long, than to marry wrong.))) It took me a while to truly understand that statement but, over time God has spared me from a lot of disappointment and hurt by simply trusting and waiting on him.
    Also, someone once told me that being celibate is easy and I’ve come to find out that easy is the best word to use for celibacy 😂☺️. However, being consistent with fasting, exercising and prayer has helped tremendously. Fasting most importantly has taught me self control and moved me closer to God.
    To all of my Christian Singles trust in the Lord

    Liked by 4 people

  3. This summer, a few girls from church and I had a bible study once a week. Among this group, there are newly married couples, some who just recently entered a relationship, and singles. Without going into a super long story, some of the girls shared their experiences that once they got into that relationship or once they got married, it wasn’t as if everything was complete and all-satisfying. They did not at all downplay the joy of being in a God-ordained relationship, but what they learned is that we can only be truly satisfied in Christ alone. With relationships and marriage come new trials, new challenges, etc. On this side of eternity, our flesh will always be wanting the next thing. That was really profound to hear that advice from them because I all too often find myself saying “I’ll be happy when…”. So this new perspective has really just made me focused on what God has planned for me in the very day set before me. To serve Him with what He’s given me and to trust Him and love Him. Our relationship with Christ is what will stay steadfast regardless of what God adds or takes away.
    I have a few post ideas about singleness that will be coming in a few weeks. I’m excited to share a few things the Lord has helped me realize.

    I hope this is encouraging!

    Liked by 7 people

  4. I’m not a Christian single,but the other day I heard, “the church is your family and the Lord is your marriage.” The idea being that should be our primary identity and focus whether we’re orphaned,single,married,widowed,or divorced. I liked it because it offers something steadfast during life’s ups and downs with family,marriage, whatever. Putting Him first is a great foundation for everything else and one that stays with you for life. People can leave, reject you, pass away,but He never does.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I’ve heard something similar – “marriage isn’t about the two of you but about the Lord first, then everyone else.” That the point of a marriage is to equip you to serve the community around you as well as to bring you joy. It’s a great steadying influence because it gives a marriage a mission. Or so I’ve heard.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Good stuff I’ve heard is first you surrender your sexuality and single-hood to God. I took that to mean you tell God everything as it comes and choose not to obsess over that time in your life which is a little hard to do especially when most of everyone around you is definitely not single. Because you know, like we should when we surrender, that He has it covered. Then pursuing sexual purity is a heart issue. It’s easy to have it in your head that you should remain sexual pure but if your heart is not into it, the line can get blurry and you won’t readily defend your position on it.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’ve heard a lot of advice about being a christian single, but the one that stuck with me the most was. Don’t give your boyfriend, husband privilages… I took it to mean more than just don’t have sex, but also in the way I treat and allow myself to be treated by my future boyfriend should not be as if he is my husband. Yes there are some basic principles that one can practice, such as respect… But other things such as submission God intended for marriage.

    Another thing is trusting God with my future and being joyful and content in my present. Not living in the lie of “I will be happy when”.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Brandon, your posts are always so unique and interesting to read! I love this idea and this whole comments section! My mom always tells me to “wait gracefully.” I do believe in my heart that God has someone for me, but I have to consistently remind myself that I can’t wallow in self pity while I wait for him, nor should I be stagnant in my faith and life goals while I wait for a future partner in my faith and goals.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I ♥️ the dialogue in the comment section!! The post are great…. hearing different perspectives related to this subject is refreshing and important to remember during the journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m one of the “married units”, but thought I would share some thoughts. Someone above said something similar to this, but I’ll expand. I don’t think anybody ever said it explicitly, but it was somewhat implied in youth group teachings and purity talks that marriage is some kind of goal to be attained and then things are just great and you can coast. I think that sort of lesson is implied both about life in general and also specifically about sex. In both cases it’s untrue. Marriage can be a lot of work. It’s like having the world’s most complicated roommate in some ways. You have roommate type issues (i.e. dishes, scheduling, chores, etc.) plus other relationship issues (communication, making time for one another, etc.) that come up and that are tied to the household chore ones. Marriage won’t solve all your issues either. Sometimes it causes you more problems. it doesn’t automatically make you ecstatically happy forever and always amen. It’s the beginning of a journey, not the end or the goal.

    On the sex front, there is no coasting after you get married. There is a learning curve that can last awhile. Then even after you learn more about what makes one another tick, there are times when sex is off the table. Maybe your husband or wife is sick or exhausted or out of town or depressed or any number of things that are out of your control. You will never be able to completely escape from having to control your “lusts of the flesh” (one of my favorite Biblical phrases). It’s never just the free for all that high school students think it’s going to be (or at least that I thought in my high school ignorance it was going to be). Great post and a great question. Really enjoyed reading the comments.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. First of all, really cool post idea. I love this comment section! Some bad advice that I’ve received from other single friends is that if i want someone to date me, i should be willing to “put out”. I would like to say to anyone who had received similar advice something that my grandmother told me: it’s not about you finding someone to date. It’s about doing what God says, just like everything else in life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Let me say from experience “putting out” attracts the wrong people! And you end up feeling like a used sock. However, standing up and saying no does two things: helps you manifest the right people in your life by weeding people out- they either respect your “no” or move on. And people respect you for standing up and saying no to them when it’s necessary. People need and like boundaries and flock towards people who have them as protection for you and others. Manifest good wholesome people by not tolerating certain behaviors- in a kind way 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  11. Hey! So totally rad post! I completely enjoyed the reading through the comments section. So the best advice I have ever been given on singleness came from my grandmother through a verse in Ecclesiastes 3 about there is a time for everything. Yeah sure I may be single now but that doesn’t mean that I’ll be single for the rest of my life. This is a time to learn and grow and simply enjoy being single. It’s a time to find my identity in God rather than another person.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I personally did marriage the wrong way the first time and the biblical way the second time. My first marriage I married someone at the age of 23, a nonChristian. Getting married was just something you did after dating 5 years. We lived together before marriage, spend $30k on a fantasy wedding- all societal “norms.”
    Later after lots of emotional abuse and infidelity, we got divorced. I relied heavily on the direction of God because I hit rock bottom and had nothing. When I met my husband, who had also been married before, we vowed to date the biblical way. He courted me, got me home at 10pm. We didn’t live together. We prayed together. That has instilled a level of trust in our marriage that wouldn’t be there otherwise. I am thankful that God makes what was meant for bad a springboard for His grace. I just started a blog, check it out at http://www.TheFruitsoftheSpirit.com.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Pingback: Wait Gracefully | Brandon J. Adams

  14. I know I am late chiming in and I didn’t read the entire comment thread, so forgive me if this has been said before. I’ve been married for 16 years and was not saved until after I was married. Long, ugly story, but the big takeaway/advice I would have for Christian singles is that if you struggle to find that the Lord is your sole source of joy and contentment, getting married will not fix that problem.

    To state it another way, if a person is sure they’ll be satisfied in Christ if only they had a spouse (ie- contentment with God and _____), then after marriage it will continue to be God AND _____, not just God alone. Anything can go in the blank: a husband/wife, children, job, right place to live… It’s literally endless. Marriage has its own challenges and if a person is looking for satisfaction in God AND _____, one major danger a married person can (and likely will) face is that, when the marriage relationship hits one of the inevitable rocky patches that always arise when two imperfect humans have any kind of relationship, someone else’s name might start to look pretty good in that blank: God AND this other guy/gal. On the flip side, if you derive joy in His presence and pleasures forevermore from His right hand (Psalm 16:11), He will continue to be enough, which has the added benefit of taking pressure off your spouse!

    Liked by 1 person

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