I long maintained this blog with a goal of, amongst other things, encouraging and standing with single Christians.

Occasionally, someone has emailed in to let me know they’ve gotten something out of what’s posted here. For that I am grateful.

The ironic thing is that my own views on singleness have evolved over the years.

It was inevitable, really, as God – through his tool of Life Observed – granted me more wisdom. Or shoved it roughly down my earhole, more accurately. The longer we live as singles, the harder it is to preserve the illusions we once had about what marriage is, what God wants it to be, what it will do for us, and whether that last part is something we should even be thinking about.

At least, one would hope that our illusions fade with time. If they haven’t, we’ve probably been resisting the process.

Do I still want to be married and have a family of my own? Yes, I do. Very much.

But I don’t want it the same way I used to. I don’t want it in the same way I want the return of Christ, or a $10,000 bonus check from my employer for no reason, or an endless shrimp buffet – an unconditional good. I now look forward to marriage in the same way I looked forward to my Air Force ship-out date.

I enlisted in a delayed entry fashion, with a departure four months out, so that I could finish my black belt. A mere two weeks after I signed on the dotted line, 9/11 took place. All of a sudden, after a decade of relative world peace, the geopolitical situation was very much uncertain. I was joining the military in a time of great change.

Did I still want to enlist? Yes. But not in the same way as I wanted the shrimp buffet. I wanted it for the higher purpose. Something within me drove me on, left unquestionable the idea that this was the right thing. Even though a part of me flinched and braced and second-guessed, I would not have walked away from the idea, even if someone gave me the choice (they didn’t).

I now respond internally to the idea of marriage much more in line with this. It’s going to be hard. No, really. HARD. We singles shake off that word far too easily in our loneliness. There will be times when it’s thankless, dull, weighty, stressful, and intimidating, and powerless to solve the very things I’m feeling today, and that’s if I get my pick right. It’s all inevitable from being someone flawed and selfish, marrying someone flawed and selfish. Yet I bear the responsibility to continue to do it God’s way every day, heedless of the DEFCON level that particular moment. It’s not something I can do on my own.

And if that’s not how you see it, you might be resisting the process. You haven’t shipped out yet.

Perhaps you’re like me, still wanting marriage someday, but the warnings and coachings of your elders are starting to sink in at last. And it’s made a part of you…hesitant? Now you’re feeling like two people, one eagerly desiring, the other intimidated by the whole idea. Do you really want what you’ve always wanted? Is this God taking your desire away?

A single friend told me, after another session by a patient older (and married) counselor spent explaining how hard marriage was, that she blurted out, “Then why does anyone bother?” The counselor simply smiled. “Now that you’ve asked that question, you’re probably more ready than you ever have been.”

Embrace the tension.

Use it to prepare. Get into the Word. Improve yourself. Ask every day, “Am I someone I’d want to marry?” and make changes accordingly. Marriage is going to be more blood and sweat and tears than you know, and it’s my job to make sure that I’m not causing my spouse to be the one shedding.

It’s worth it. The counselors say that, too. Every one of them.

But it is both love and war you’re signing up for.

Let us train accordingly.