Dear Church: Stop Saying Singleness Isn’t Hard

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churchI saw one of those teachings the other day, yet again. Someone saying “singleness is not something to be endured; it’s something to be celebrated!”

I sighed.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

And, at the same time…no.

I understand that such words aren’t exactly intended for me. I’ve got a pretty well-balanced take on my singleness by now. They’re intended for the singles who stuff their Facebook feeds with Relationship Goals memes and think of little else.

But at the same time…those words bring a sigh. It feels like they don’t get it. And while I’m grateful for the perspective, there is an uncertainty I struggle to articulate.

In the last few years, I have spoken with an increasing number of mature, God-seeking singles who have started feeling vaguely embarrassed about their desire for marriage. Reluctant to talk about it, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. These are true-blue disciples who know the church’s mature teachings on singleness and accept them, but also hear something that might not be intended: the implication that they shouldn’t be struggling with singleness. I hear one unspoken question, in particular, emerging from this group of singles to whom nobody seems to be speaking.

“Why won’t anyone acknowledge that singleness can be hard?”

For many years, I and other singles have been shaped by a line of mature Biblical teaching on singleness. It’s largely risen in fierce response to the other line of teaching, the age-old push by the church to get us married off as soon as possible (and its tendency to leave us feeling diminished or unqualified if we aren’t). I’m grateful for the Biblical take: that singleness is not a disaster but a gift, an opportunity, a holy season to be embraced rather than fought tooth and nail. We are taught that waiting is transformative, that this chance to serve the kingdom unfettered by marriage will never come again, and that waiting will probably get you a better mate anyway.

This is all good. Sacred, even. I am grateful for how this teaching has shaped me. In fact, for some of us, it’s practically all we’ve ever heard.

Perhaps that’s the problem.

 

An Incomplete Message

In the last couple years, I have put my finger on a certain embarrassment (that’s the best I can describe it) over my hope to marry one day. I’m not alone in that. There’s an elusive worry that I’m supposed to be content to the point of being utterly immune to longing. As if admitting longing will make God go “Oho, you’re not fully satisfied in me yet, there’s five more years added to your wait!”

I know that’s silly. None of it is of God. But it’s a thing with some of us nonetheless.

Sometimes messages get distorted. It’s like attending a church that’s vigorously grounded in obedience and running the race (which I do) and waking up one day to realize that this very proper emphasis has morphed into a sense of “God’s never pleased with me”. Which isn’t what God intended, nor probably the pastor. This means that there’s balance to be found

SINGLENESS CAN BE HARD.

There. I said it.

No counselor worth his salt would deny or dismiss the struggle of his client. The Wonderful Counselor, methinks, is a step above that. I would beg of the church to carefully modulate their teaching not to invalidate or fear the single’s longings. Singleness can be hard. Going without a desire of the heart always is (Prov. 13:12).

 

Why It’s Hard

Not everyone is cut out for singleness. God may put us there anyway, of course; our lives are his to mold, and he does give us more than we can handle, for very specific reasons (2 Cor. 10). But it’s a tough journey. I know many singles who seem tailor-made for marriage and yet have been denied one. They value family, companionship, stability, continuity. They’re bursting with affection and good communication. They ache for children. They know the Word. Their integrity is immense. Their parents are married. Their siblings are married. They’re not, they want to be, and that is hard.

And when they hear from the church that they shouldn’t be feeling bad, or get hit with that un-Scriptural nonsense that God won’t marry them off until they’re happy with singleness, they feel disheartened. Isolated. It becomes a theological box they don’t know how to escape. It causes God to feel far away. They may still have hope, but they also know there is no Scriptural guarantee their situation will ever change. Another forty years alone is a hard thing to look forward to.

People will take stabs in the dark at explaining God’s delay in our lives, often without even asking him in prayer. For example, there’s the dreaded half-truth of “you’re single because there’s something unfinished in you”. I know Christian singles who have spent years rummaging through their hearts for a fatal problem that may not be there. It’s an awful, exhausting cycle. Maybe nothing’s wrong. Maybe it’s just not the right timing. Maybe God’s quite pleased with them. They need to hear that.

It also seems to have escaped some folks that singleness involves rejection. The thirtysomething Christian single has probably been dumped by a few and shot down by more by now. Or they’ve barely dated at all. Singleness can leave all kinds of questions rolling around in a young Christian’s heart – “Is there something wrong with me?” – that no amount of talking about “God’s purpose” can address.

 

The Surgeon

God is not all plan and no heart. He does difficult things in us, but he never neglects the heart. It was Job’s friends, not God, who leaped into theological lessons in response to someone’s honest tears.  God commands us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), and we can be assured that what we’re commanded to do do, God is doing himself. He mourns with singles, even as he sustains us for that path a while longer. And he heals.

Join him in this operation. Be his tools by loving and supporting. That is what my spiritual family did for me, and I cannot express how much it meant to me. Follow their example. Do not make singles feel even more alone.

 

Legitimate Trial

Allow yourself to see singleness as a legitimate trial. There are those who would call it a first world problem. My response would be that Genesis 3 promises the first world its problems. While it is wise to recognize that others around the globe are suffering far worse trials, it is Scripturally unsound to think that comfortable middle-class Westerners will never struggle. Nobody gets to escape the Curse. There will be trials for people of all walks of life, and singleness is one of them.

There’s very little risk in granting singles their struggle. It need not bring on a deluge of self-pity or prompt them to start throwing themselves into all kinds of bad relationships. That, I think, is one reason the struggle is often dismissed.

In fact, there is great potential in granting singleness as a real trial. If it is a trial, it carries all the deep spiritual benefits of suffering: that it is an opportunity to “become mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4); to learn to “share in his holiness” and attain “a harvest of righteousness and peace” (Hebrews 12:10, 11); to allow his grace to be sufficient (2 Cor. 12:9); to “rejoice in our sufferings” as they produce perseverance, character, and hope (Romans 5:3-4); and to pass on “the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Cor. 1:4).

Surely you would not deprive us of these glories by telling us we’re not really struggling at all?

 

Handling Desires

And then there is the small fact that marriage is, y’know, a good thing to want. It was God’s idea before either the Old or New Covenant existed, and while singleness has its place in the kingdom of Jesus Christ, so does marriage (as we see at Cana).

And that’s being missed. We have this weird thing going on where some singles’ literature is diminishing marriage in an attempt to make singles happier with where they are (“You shouldn’t feel lonely, you have JESUS!!!”). That’s not working. Not with everyone. Marriage retains immense value in the kingdom; it was intended to reflect the Trinity itself. No, it won’t “save” us. But no marital counselor would go “marriage ain’t all that”, as one singleness book finally just put it. He wouldn’t get a lot of clients. Instead, he would speak of the joy God intended through it and urge his clients to fight for it.

Godly desires should never be shamed or dismissed. Molded, modified, and made holy, perhaps, but never dismissed. Dismissing a heart’s desire only locks God out of a part of one’s heart, and he wants every part. That is not to say that he’ll grant every desire, or grant it in our timing. It’s simply about giving everything to God. The “you have JESUS!” campaign can push us further from God by implying that God isn’t concerned with our desires.

No, we must strike a balance. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I realize many singles chase any glint of romance as if their life depended on it. This is not good. But when you do the reining in, remember that balance is needed. Teach singles well. Our Scriptural understanding, our fruitfulness in the present, and our intimacy with God are on the line. Remember that there are unique struggles to singleness – equivalent to but different from marriage – and that God is both plan AND heart. The surgeon is also the lover of our soul. Affirm and mourn; then lift our eyes to God.

May God become our hearts’ greatest desire, and may he grant us the rest in his timing.

30 thoughts on “Dear Church: Stop Saying Singleness Isn’t Hard”

  2. Excellent! I watched my sis struggle with being single until she finally met the love of her life in her mid forties. She wanted to be married, have children, and a family of her own. She waited and served faithfully but kinda bummed out. She spent time on the mission field, traveled the world, landed a very amazing job which called for travel all over the US all things many of us would dream of. But she just wanted a husband. Through it all, she remained faithful in her calling and finally met the one.

    It is a struggle and it is hard. I’ve seen the tears. In God’s own time all things are made perfect!

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  5. This post just hit home!! I agree with you in all aspects! I also wrote various blogs about this topic. But yours covers basically everything I wanted to say which I haven’t put into words yet! Funny eh? Haha
    Nice one!

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  7. Hi Brandon,

    Thanks for visiting my Blog. I had to stop by and see your blog and found this to be the first post that caught my eye seeing as how I am a single person myself and can relate to all that you have said here. I know that God will fullfill the desires of out hearts one day but I must say waiting is sooooo soooo hard sometimes. Ugh, you listen to all types of sermons and there comes a point where you say “I get it already, but when is it my turn?” In any case, go on in God’s love and do not be discouraged. Sometimes I think that God causes us to wait because He want’s us to fine tune our character so that when we do receive our significant other, we will be able to connect harmoniously in the way God intended. The question is when right? lol.

    God bless,

    Sherline.

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  9. Thanks for taking the time to so clearly and concisely lay out these points. I’ll refrain from throwing empty platitudes at you (or other young believers) but will say that you seem to be strong in the Lord so please continue the good fight. Be blessed and thanks for stopping by my blog. Al

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  12. I wish I WAS “legally-single”, because I could at least start thinking about what I want to do about it, but I’m NOT “legally-single”. I am still legally-married to a woman who skipped town January 13, 2013 (after forty-one days of marriage) and is living with another man. As far as she is concerned, I no longer even exist, and since she never legally changed her name, nobody is any wiser. I know: “Get a divorce”…but the state of Florida does not give divorces away, and I am barely making ends meet, so I am “stuck”, “legally-married” but “relationally-single”, and not getting any younger.

    One of my greatest fears as I get older (I am 61), is that the time will come when I can’t take care of myself and there won’t be anyone to take care of me, and like countless others, I will get “warehoused” and forgotten without even someone to claim my body when I die. Morbid – maybe, but I have seen far too many elderly people in nursing homes who have NOBODY. Nobody even knows they are there, let alone goes to check on them.

    I HAVE been married – four times, and yes, marriage can be tough, but being single can be even tougher. BTW, Paul was the only “single” Apostle, so those passages which seem to “praise singleness” come solely from his writings.

    It was God who said “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), because God knew that He created a special place in a person’s heart which can only be filled by their spouse…a place God reserved for a human-companion…a place not even God Himself can adequately fill. Yes, I know that there are some who will take exception to my last statement, but I believe Scripture bears it out, and only those who are “gifted” with the “gift of singleness” can ever find their total-satisfaction in God.

    I have been on both sides, and there are times when being single seriously-sucks. Been there, done that, got too many T-shirts.

    Blessings,
    Steve

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    • I will pray that God provides. Loneliness is certainly an odd thing to suss out. I actually kind of share the same fear that you do, of being warehoused. All we can do is give it to God today!

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    • Pipermac5, please get legal help of some kind so you can get out of that marriage! If it goes on for too long, you could end up having to pay her spousal support, etc. I think in Texas it’s 10 years of marriage. You need to get out of this marriage as soon as possible! She chose to leave you, so you have biblical grounds for divorce.

      God bless you, and may He bring people into your life who will love and care for you, and also give you wisdom to eat right, exercise, and properly care for yourself so that you will be independent and healthy until your last day! ❤️

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  13. Thank you for your post. It’s good to hear someone else being honest about difficultly in singleness rather than giving terribly discouraging comments like ‘you’re still young–you have plenty of time’ or the comments you address about not needing to long because we have Jesus. The wonderful thing about the Lord though, is that He doesn’t condemn us for desiring more…we can see this when we don’t compare Him and assume that He has the same messages as the ones around us who make us feel condemned for it.

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  14. What a strange idea.

    Singleness can evoke a lot of different emotions. It’s so weird when well-meaning people come up with messages along the lines of “You should feel this way about singleness. You should feel this way instead!” “You shou;dn’t view your singleness as this thing. You should view it as this instead!”

    People are complicated. Emotions can be complicated. Our desires and dreams are real and valid. If youre single and you’d rather be married, there’s nothingwrong with that. I assume a lot of pastors who preach these sorts of messages are married. When was the last time they “celebrated” singleness, rather than tell other people to do so?

    Sometimes people will geuninely acknowledge that singleness can be hard. That’s good. Other times, people will sort of offhandedly acknowledge that it’s hard, and then paper it over with some platitude about “Jesus is enough,” etc., etc. If people express their pain, frustration, loneliness, etc. You should actively listen and engage, not dismiss it with all the Christianese clichés.

    The pain is real, and it’s always healthy to admit pain.

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  15. Well nowadays there are so many very brainless, clueless, narcissists, feminists, entitled women everywhere which is why so many of us guys are still single because of this. And lets not forget the ones that are real gold diggers as well which certainly explains why singleness is really hard since these women caused it.

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  16. And, for sure, it’s pretty dismissive to see people’s struggles with unwanted singleness as a “First World Problem.”

    An interesting part about marriage/romance/companionship/sex etc. is that it predated the Fall. Sometimes some Christians seem to view these things as unimportant or trivial. It doesn’t seem like God thought that way. He saw that Adam was alone — and He said it wasn’t good. When the world was perfect — Adam had a romantic companion. He wasn’t single. These things were all parts of God’s original design. Meaning they were good and enjoyable things. I’m sure that’s why some people are single against their will. It might be because we simply live in a bad world, where bad things happen. It might not necessarily be because God wants you to stay single right now.

    Sure, Paul recommends singleness, but he adds so many caveats to that. He says that it’s better for unmarried women to remain single — in his own opinion. He also said that he recommended singleness because of the “present distress,” because of some specific crisis the Corinthian church was going through. That certainly makes his caution more understandable. Sometimes we miss that bit of context when we try to cheer up or caution singles with sayings like “Paul said singleness was better.” He also reminds them that he’s not giving them some command that nobody ever marry. When Jesus talked about singleness, He also said that not everyone was able to accept it.

    Besides, all the research I’ve ever seen (almost all secular) says that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Well, then!

    It’s a hard reality, for sure, that you don’t seem like anyone’s first priority as a single. There just seems to be something unique and special and exclusive about romantic love. Yes, your family loves you, but it’s not that kind of love. Yes, your friends love you, but it’s not that kind of love.

    And, yes, Jesus loves you, but it’s not that kind of love.

    Besides, one of the simplest, most basic ways for humans to connect is through (literal) conversation and physical touch. In this day and age, well, Jesus doesn’t meet us that way. And Jesus is supposed to be the One who loves us more intensely than anyone else. It’s hard to understand sometimes.

    When you date, get engaged, and marry, it means someone evaluated you, found you worthy, chose you, and made you theirs. They let down all kinds of barriers to choose intimacy with you. Sex is just one part of that. If you miss out on that, be it for a period of time or for your whole life, it’s very painful. In physical terms, sex is the most intimate way that anyone will ever connect with you. If you miss out on that, be it for a period of your life, or your entire life, it’s not easy. It’s not. Sex involves all kinds of different elements. It’s not just a physical act.

    When you’re single and you don’t want it, there’s genuinely good things you miss out on. Sure you don’t need companionship, physical affection, sex, children, etc. I know all that, and don’t need to be lectured about that. They’re still genuine desires that many normal people have, and no amount of prayer, worship, gratitude, and Christianese platutudes are going to make those go away. It might be hard to understand that if you’re happily married, but it is a hard part of being single, for sure.

    People will try to cheer you up with platitudes, telling you that romance “isn’t everything” (I knew that already, thanks) or that “Jesus is enough” (not really, no) But that’s definitely one of the hardest parts of being single, grappling with the fact that nobody chose you or is choosing you.

    As Christians, well, we’re promised trouble in the world. This is just one of so many forms. We live in a bad world, after all.

    And, annoyingly, it’s often married folks (like pastors) who try to cheer you up. Sometimes this is well-meaning. Sometimes, they’re dismissive about your desires or experience. But it can definitely be annoying. Then again, maybe if I was a happily married pastor who got married in my early twenties and enjoyed a happy marriage, I’d be oblivious to a lot of it, too. People aren’t mind readers.

    This is a bit of a tangent, but a lot of times when you’re single, people will try to cheer you up with saying things like “but Jesus was single.” The implication, of course, is “Don’t you want to be more like Jesus?”

    I’ve never really found this all that helpful. Yes, Jesus was single. Doesn’t mean I want to be single. Jesus was also abandoned by His disciples, betrayed by another disciple, and then tortured to death. Doesn’t mean I want to be abandoned, betrayed, or tortured. And besides, even Jesus said that not everyone was able to accept singleness. I agree with Him! Haha.

    Did Jesus ever have romantic or sexual desires? Maybe, I don’t know. The Bible doesn’t say. Did he ever feel sad that marriage wasn’t going to be part of His life? I don’t know. The Bible doesn’t say. Was he ever tempted sexually? Well, the Bible does say He was tempted, but we don’t really know what that was like for Him. Jesus was perfect and incapable of sinning. Were His temptations really the same as ours? Did He really taste the full power of temptation, the way we do? I don’t know. This has always puzzled me, as it does many others.

    Sure, Jesus was single. Doesn’t mean I want to be. Your pastor is, most likely, married. Why didn’t he want to be “more like Jesus” and stay single?

    And, sure, some married Christians may wish for the freedom that their single friends are enjoying. OK. But you’re also enjoying things that your single friends are unable to enjoy. That’s true, too. Yes, as a single, you can experience other people’s love. But there’s just something more special and exclusive about romantic love and, ultimately, sex as a married couple. Sex is, physically speaking, the most intimate way that anyone will ever connect with you, and if you desire it, and “burn with passion,” as Paul puts it, it’s painful to go without. If you go without it for your whole life on Earth, it can be very painful. It can’t be met any other way. Sometimes, Christians can be dismissive about your desires for sex, but they’re real, and hard to deal with. And you can’t really satisfy it any other way. I mean, how is Jesus going to fulfill your sexual desires, exactly? He won’t, obviously.

    We often call God’s love or Jesus’s love the “best” or “ultimate” kind of love. Which is true, certainly. Depending on what kind of love you mean (I like how Greek has so many different words for love, but in English we, confusingly, only have one) His love can do things that no other human love can do. At the same time, God, presently, can’t love you the way a human does. He can’t hug you, or kiss you, or have a literal conversation with you. Nor can He do anything to satisfy your normal sexual desires. So, unsurprisingly, a lot of Christianese platitudes we tell singles ring rather hollow sometimes. Like “Jesus is enough.” Or “God’s love is enough.”

    You also mention uncertainty. Uncertainty is one of the hardest parts of the single life. A lot of us have strong desires for marriage, but we have no promise from God that we’ll get it. The fear of the unknown plays a big role difficulties of the single life, for sure. And people don’t get betrothed or end up in arranged marriages these days, at least not in the West. It’s hard to grapple with, certainly.

    For sure, singleness is hard for many. If you’re happily married, maybe you can forget that from time to time. I don’t know if I’ll ever marry. But if I do, I hope I can relate to singles with more empathy for these sorts of things.

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