A reality that has confronted me the last few months:
I do not, on any given day, operate with God’s love as my background.
When I worship at church, when I read his Word, when I go about my day in general…love isn’t really there. I suppose it took me a while to realize it because it’s hard to recognize absent things that you’ve rarely felt.
Instead, what I mostly sense from God is…a vague dissatisfaction. Criticism. Perhaps annoyance. “It’s never good enough.”
But like a ship tacking into the wind, that’s starting to change.
Ever had one of those moments when you’re sitting on something you think someone needs to hear, and finally you say it – and it isn’t until the moment it escapes your lips that you realize how needless and stupid it was all along?
Yeah. That’s probably happened to me more times than I can remember. I’ll think someone needs to hear something, and it will inevitably turn out that I had neither the timing nor the right information, and my comment comes off as flippant and insensitive.
I apologize, ask for forgiveness, turn to God as best I could. And God usually comes through in my relationships.
But you know what? That’s not enough. I don’t want this sort of thing to happen anymore. At all.
So I asked myself, where did that come from? What well of muck deep in my soul even spews forth such things?
The answer came from God via a friend who was examining her own heart: a “critical spirit”.