I’ve been getting a little mail from Christians struggling with singleness.
I have a heart for them. Long-term singleness is a delicate, heartfelt matter. If my journey has taught me anything, and if I may be honest, I’ve found the Kingdom’s singleness teachings…lacking. Not always deep enough. Frequently written by people who married at 21. Often rushing to deny that it’s even a struggle (for various reasons).
I may not be John Piper, but I am a single Christian, and you know the saying: write what you know.
Okay. For some believers, singleness is…a longing. They could use encouragement. But that’s as far as it goes. They’re okay. They wouldn’t call it their foremost trial.
For others of you…it’s something more.
You find yourself thinking about it often. It’s what you usually mean by phrases like “unspoken prayer request” or “I’m just struggling”. You used to take comfort in having plenty of time before you reached the age of the married people you admire. Then you look around and they’re all younger. Perhaps you’ve ground through three or four committed relationships (that wasn’t in the manual) and wonder what it will take for one to finally stick. Or you haven’t had a date in six years.
This stuff matters to you. You’ll not catch me looking down on you for it.
It’s not about just your “plans” (which is how the church often responds), thank ya kindly. We wanted this. Some people don’t want to vacation on their own. They just don’t. We want a witness to our lives, someone to share a ministry or thunderstorm, a Netflix series or an ominous newscast. We want someone waiting at home, to laugh and cry with us, to know our favorite words. Just getting to say “we” instead of “I” sounds amazing.
Instead, your faithfulness seems unrewarded. Singleness involves rejection. In what universe is that not supposed to sting? After a while, singleness feels less like a season and more like a statement. This is beyond campfire cliches. Anyone who’s carried a hope deferred for ten years qualifies for better spiritual aid. (Even college students can feel this ache pretty keenly.)
Singleness landscapes life. You’re walled out of ministries, less sought after by married friends who still love you but want to celebrate and grow with those in the same season. You realize families have a bigger footprint at church. Ever noticed how couples can make friends just by swapping stories of their kids? You don’t have that. Depending on the crowd you run with, it takes a greater effort each year just to keep up. I doubt that’s what Hebrews 12 meant by “run the race”.
Some judge you. They’re annoyed to see someone struggling with something so “minor” and “escapable”. They assume some dysfunction or immaturity that’s driving all your dates away. (We even assume this of each other.) Or they might just not know what to tell you anymore.
I know chaste singles who no longer wear their old purity ring. It’s long ceased to be a promise and become only a reminder.
At the end of the day, it is a profound test of faith. We don’t talk about it anymore because it never changes anything and others are tired of listening and we’re wondering whether it should be this big a deal, but honestly…nothing else seems as hard. Wisely or not, some of us staked large parts of our hearts – even the question of God’s goodness – on the dream of getting married. We feel blindsided by how bumpy and lonely and ordinary life has turned out instead.
There have been long nights, tears, clenched teeth, or abandoned purity. You’d be amazed at how often someone leaves their faith and some failed romance (or no romance at all) shows up on the autopsy. Depending on the person and their story, this season can be debilitating and scary.
You’re welcome on this blog. You’re not nuts. You’re not pathetic. You’re a child of God (or can be), target of his patient love, beneficiary of his endless strength.
Singleness is the journey I took (or was given), and know this – God has not run out of things to say. Even if the church has. We’ve only just begun to tap into the depths of his resources. When he offers to lift us through any trial – well, I have much to say about what that looks like.
For now, come back to this: he still loves us. He still pursues us. He is still for us. He has not left our side. Despite the disappointing weight of the years, he still knocks on the door of our hearts, hoping to share a meal. No new teaching is better than that.
I’m glad you tuned in today. If you consider this post to be of value, please feel free to share it on social media. Thanks a bunch!
Brandon J. Adams 
You hit the nail on the head. We want that person who will go on an adventure with us so we can have those memories to talk about when we’re older. In the Bible Study group I attend, I’m the only single person there and there are some nights they go around the room sharing couple stories. I not only feel like I’m missing out, I also feel left out. Thank you for sharing.
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Yep. I run into this at my church. Though nobody ever says anything of the sort, you just feel out of place. Fortunately you’re not; I pray God reveals to you the roles and opportunities you have that nobody else does.
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Thank you. I’ll pray the same for you.
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I used to struggle with singleness. I just didn’t understand why God wasn’t putting someone special in my life. I’ve seen all my friends meet their significant other and would cry myself to sleep. But I’ve managed, with the Lord’s help of course, to become content with my singleness. If God has someone out there for me, He will put that person in my life in due time.
It was a struggle to get to this point in my life but I have reached it and God is with me.
Thanks for sharing this!
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You have a great story to tell. I’m glad you took the journey. And I think God looks down on you with pride for having come to this place. Stick with it!
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Hi Brandon! I have been married for almost a year and a half (I was 36 when I got married). I have always and will continue even as a married person to advocate/stand up for/befriend single brothers and sisters in the faith. I wrote many school posts in Seminary imploring those in church leadership to do more to include singles and to truly help a young person learn how to stay pure, rather than just telling them to wait. Older single and married believers I believe need to help young people with singleness. I too am tired of hearing pastors preaching from the pulpit singleness, yet they have know clue what that means or looks like in today’s culture. I appreciate you Brandon! I appreciate your willingness to get in the trenches and meet people where they are. I appreciate your honesty! I am so thankful the Spirit led me to your blog! Blessings, Mandy
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You’re just a waterfall of kindness around here, Mandy. I appreciate your point about churches equipping singles – I’m happy to say my church is actually pretty good at it! (It’s because we’re a Scripturally literate church). And even more so than cheering on purity, there’s a lot of work to do in simply guarding and strengthening others’ hearts during hard times. This season can throw around a lot of lies and dark emotions, and that’s where our battleground is.
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Hi Brandon! I am encouraged to hear that you are part of a Scripturally literate church! I completely agree with you about the work that needs to be done to help and encourage others’ hearts during hard times. I know what it is like being single and not fitting in. I am also learning that when you’re older and married without children or grandchildren you don’t fit in either. I am so glad this tension of single/married and kids/no kids will not exist in Heaven. For what it is worth, I am in this battle with you. If there is EVER any way I can pray for you or encourage you, NEVER hesitate to send a message! Praising God for you!
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This is so true – thanks for verbalizing what we’re trying to say. I think many of us have done a pretty good job of making a life we didn’t expect out to work better than we expected. But let’s face it – none of us expected to still be in this position at this time of our lives. It’s good to know others are hanging in there with us.
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We’ve had to figure a LOT out on our own, that’s for sure. Nobody ever comes out and says, “yeah you might be steppin’ solo for a long, long time”. But it happens.
I’m just glad God doesn’t leave our side for an instant. Thanks for coming by, hope you stick around!
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Well said! Thank you! I’ve had a recent conversation on this topic but your post added a fresh light to it. My friend and I discussed the struggles of several married friends who like to act like we should be jealous of their happiness. It’s a gentle smugness we struggle to understand. Both of us handle singleness with more grace and happiness than either of us would have imagined from ourselves 5 or 10 years ago. We’re in love with our lives and love to swap dating nightmare stories. We feel very secure in ourselves and our singleness. But a lot of young (19 and married) couples or long term relationship couples around us act like God favors them more or tend to believe we really need to be unhappy in singleness. Which is just silliness. It’s become offensive several times and we hardly suffer the couples very well anymore. I’ll defintely be pasisng this on as a refreshing reassurance to my friend.
Thanks again!
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No problem. I’ve never dealt with this from my married friends, but I can imagine it might happen with some. It’s awesome that you’ve found security where you are.
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There could perhaps also be some unhappiness in their marriages. I discerned that attitude you are talking about in people who were my age and single, then settled and married the first person that came along. They think that I should be unhappy because they were quite unhappy.
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I think that is some of it. The younger ones just think they invited happiness.
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Amen! Thank you. 30-year old single here, who never expected to be single at this age! (With friends years older than me who are still here.) What a journey it has been! I’m actually writing a book about unexpected singleness. God willing, it will be out later this year.
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God bless that. I’m writing one, too.
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Wonderful! It will be such a blessing for those hungering to hear truth & perspective from those who are experiencing the same thing.
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Thank you! Thank you! Not read anything more accurate lately. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
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You’re welcome! Glad to have you.
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Yes, He knocks everyday… we ought to open the door while it is still light outside, before the darkness overtakes us. And, we ought to intercede that others will do the same. Only with Him, is there Hope; Life.
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Yes! Thanks for coming by!
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Hugs!
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This is so wonderful and encouraging! Being single is a blessing, although it’s so hard to see it that way when you are longing for something outside your circumstances.
Isaiah 41:10 promises that God will “uphold you with my righteous hand”
1 Peter 5:7 encourages us to “cast your anxiety on him because he care for you.”
Thank you for writing!
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I’m glad God used it with you, Amber! Great verses, too.
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I am 60 years old I have never been married I have a date no one is ever wanted me and it doesn’t matter how much I pray to God it doesn’t matter because I’m gonna die alone nobody cares
They tell me I should just be so happy nobody wants me I should just be so happy that I don’t have to suffer through a miserable marriage They tell me just to be strong and they leave and they go home to their husbands they Will never know what it’s like
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Good stuff.
I liked your point abour how other Christians might be puzzled or annoyed by seeing single Christians struggling with something so “minor.”
When you’re happily married, yeah, I’m sure it’s hard to relate to singles. Especially if you married at a young age, and these singles are somewhat older. I don’t mean to bash married folks here. If I was married at 21, and sinnle 46-year-old told me about the pain of his unwanted situation, I’m sure I would struggle with what to say. I would hope I have better things than all the clichés, though.
Sometimes we can assume that older Christian singles are just single by choice. Or we think things like, “Well they’re single at an older age, so that must be God’s plan.” Or something. Or married folks will assure you that the Bible calls their singleness a “gift,” so it’s best to stop “whining” about it. Easy for them to say.
In a church community, you often feel invisible at a single, for sure. It’s easy to slap on a fake smile on Sunday, then leave at the end. And when we’re talking to friends, it’s not always easy to honestly tell them about your pain or struggles. And often we don’t want to tell them about it because we don’t want them to worry about us, and we certainly don’t want to hear all the cliché Christianese advice. I’m sure there’s many older married folks who assume I’m fine with singleness just because I never openly talk about it.
And, yeah, singleness involves rejection. When you’re single, people call you “unmarried.” We don’t call the married folks “unsingle.” A lot of people are single because, despite their own dreams and desires, nobody ever chose them. Or they were evaluated by potential dating partners, and rejected. Of course that’s going to sting.
In a church community, marriage is celebrated, understandably. When members get engaged, it’s often announced by the pastor. It makes people happy. Invites are sent out. An elaborate party, called a wedding, is carefully planned and enjoyed by all. We don’t do anything like that for singles. And why would we? (the cynical part of me asks) When you’re single and attending a wedding, you’ll almost certainly have moments where you feel pain and wonder when it’s ever going to be “your turn.” You’re often literally on the sidelines (like at the first dance) Of course, we don’t want to ruin the mood by openly expressing these things, which only makes you feel more invisible and forgotten. If you’re single and you see baby dedications, and you hear the pastor and parents thank God for “blessing” the couple, it can definitely make some in the congregation wonder why God hasn’t blessed them that way. When the pastor talks about God “bringing the couple together,” or when we hear the groom/bride/maid of honor/best man talk about God “blessing” them with their spouse, it makes you wonder why God hasn’t done this sort of thing for you. It’s very frustrating, because people have puzzled over questions about the “problem of suffering” for millennia, and all the answers are unhelpful, because they always end with us admitting that we can’t understand it. And, yes, singleness involves suffering. Sure, there’s “worse things.” But it’s genuinely painful if you don’t want it.
There’s all sorts of little things that unintentionally “trigger” you as a single at church. When marriage comes up in a Bible passage, for instance. When you hear a married pastor’s take on the “gift of singleness” when you go through Corinthians. When you glance at the church bookstore shelves and see lots of books on marriage, and perhaps not so many books on singleness. I’m not saying it’s OK for us to lash out at these moments, but, I’m sure there’s lots of pain bottled up at times like these, unnoticed by so many married folks.
I read in a book once (it was called 7 Myths About Singleness) about a single man who was applying to be a pastor at several churches. Apparently, once these churches found out he was unmarried, they never called him back. I wonder how often that sort of thing happens.
Singleness can get ugly, for sure. I don’t mean to bash married folks here, but I’m sure it can be pretty hard for them to understand at times. If I was happily married in my youth, I’m sure I’d struggle to relate to older singles, certainly.
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