An Open Question to Christian Singles

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Over the years, we have all received guidance on how to life the Christian single life.

Some of it has been good. Some of it never should have seen the light of day. And there is a great deal, I am growing to suspect, that has yet to be said at all – and very much needs to be.

We’ve had about twenty years to reflect on it all, and try it out on the streets, since the movement began. I’ve got a pretty firm grasp on how I feel about it at this point, but then again, the quickest way to be wrong is to limit yourself to just your opinion.

So, since you, my esteemed readership, includes some Christian singles, I wanted to ask for your thoughts in the comments section. (I would say “penny for your thoughts” but I’m broke.)

We can perhaps boil it down to three questions:

1. What singleness advice, teaching, or guidance have you received that was good? What was encouraging, edifying, or practical?

2. What singleness guidance was…not so good? And why?

3. Is there anything that has been left unsaid to the Christian celibate?

A few constraints:

  • You needn’t answer all three.
  • These are broad questions, so try limiting yourself to the top one or three things that occur to you.
  • I already hear some of you rubbing your hands together with irritated glee at #2, so before we pounce, a quick word: let’s be gracious. I know we’ve all gotten advice in the church foyer that drives us nuts. Our whole situation is notorious for that. But for the most part, the people giving us that advice are only trying to help. Let’s proceed from a place of gratitude for their heart for us, and season our words with that gratitude.
  • Feel free to repeat what someone else has said. Maybe put your own twist on it, but I do see value in discovering how certain things are weighted.
  • Married units, feel free to barge in. Your experiences from your own single years can still be valuable, and you still might have strong feelings about what the singles you know should be hearing.

The comment section is yours. I’m eager to hear your thoughts.

61 thoughts on “An Open Question to Christian Singles”

  1. There are lots of advise on christian singles ranging from commitment, care, love, no premarital sex, being in Christ, patience, prayer and on and on.
    But the greatest mistake singles do is not praying to God to show them whether the person is meant for them.
    Mere professing love and keeping the relationship intact, living harmoniously does not mean the person is who God wants you to marry.
    Marriage is divine and should be followed divinely.

    Thank you.

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  2. The best advice that I’ve received is (((it’s better to wait long, than to marry wrong.))) It took me a while to truly understand that statement but, over time God has spared me from a lot of disappointment and hurt by simply trusting and waiting on him.
    Also, someone once told me that being celibate is easy and I’ve come to find out that easy is the best word to use for celibacy 😂☺️. However, being consistent with fasting, exercising and prayer has helped tremendously. Fasting most importantly has taught me self control and moved me closer to God.
    To all of my Christian Singles trust in the Lord

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  3. This summer, a few girls from church and I had a bible study once a week. Among this group, there are newly married couples, some who just recently entered a relationship, and singles. Without going into a super long story, some of the girls shared their experiences that once they got into that relationship or once they got married, it wasn’t as if everything was complete and all-satisfying. They did not at all downplay the joy of being in a God-ordained relationship, but what they learned is that we can only be truly satisfied in Christ alone. With relationships and marriage come new trials, new challenges, etc. On this side of eternity, our flesh will always be wanting the next thing. That was really profound to hear that advice from them because I all too often find myself saying “I’ll be happy when…”. So this new perspective has really just made me focused on what God has planned for me in the very day set before me. To serve Him with what He’s given me and to trust Him and love Him. Our relationship with Christ is what will stay steadfast regardless of what God adds or takes away.
    I have a few post ideas about singleness that will be coming in a few weeks. I’m excited to share a few things the Lord has helped me realize.

    I hope this is encouraging!

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  4. I’m not a Christian single,but the other day I heard, “the church is your family and the Lord is your marriage.” The idea being that should be our primary identity and focus whether we’re orphaned,single,married,widowed,or divorced. I liked it because it offers something steadfast during life’s ups and downs with family,marriage, whatever. Putting Him first is a great foundation for everything else and one that stays with you for life. People can leave, reject you, pass away,but He never does.

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    • I’ve heard something similar – “marriage isn’t about the two of you but about the Lord first, then everyone else.” That the point of a marriage is to equip you to serve the community around you as well as to bring you joy. It’s a great steadying influence because it gives a marriage a mission. Or so I’ve heard.

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  5. Good stuff I’ve heard is first you surrender your sexuality and single-hood to God. I took that to mean you tell God everything as it comes and choose not to obsess over that time in your life which is a little hard to do especially when most of everyone around you is definitely not single. Because you know, like we should when we surrender, that He has it covered. Then pursuing sexual purity is a heart issue. It’s easy to have it in your head that you should remain sexual pure but if your heart is not into it, the line can get blurry and you won’t readily defend your position on it.

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  6. I’ve heard a lot of advice about being a christian single, but the one that stuck with me the most was. Don’t give your boyfriend, husband privilages… I took it to mean more than just don’t have sex, but also in the way I treat and allow myself to be treated by my future boyfriend should not be as if he is my husband. Yes there are some basic principles that one can practice, such as respect… But other things such as submission God intended for marriage.

    Another thing is trusting God with my future and being joyful and content in my present. Not living in the lie of “I will be happy when”.

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  7. Brandon, your posts are always so unique and interesting to read! I love this idea and this whole comments section! My mom always tells me to “wait gracefully.” I do believe in my heart that God has someone for me, but I have to consistently remind myself that I can’t wallow in self pity while I wait for him, nor should I be stagnant in my faith and life goals while I wait for a future partner in my faith and goals.

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  8. I ♥️ the dialogue in the comment section!! The post are great…. hearing different perspectives related to this subject is refreshing and important to remember during the journey.

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  9. I’m one of the “married units”, but thought I would share some thoughts. Someone above said something similar to this, but I’ll expand. I don’t think anybody ever said it explicitly, but it was somewhat implied in youth group teachings and purity talks that marriage is some kind of goal to be attained and then things are just great and you can coast. I think that sort of lesson is implied both about life in general and also specifically about sex. In both cases it’s untrue. Marriage can be a lot of work. It’s like having the world’s most complicated roommate in some ways. You have roommate type issues (i.e. dishes, scheduling, chores, etc.) plus other relationship issues (communication, making time for one another, etc.) that come up and that are tied to the household chore ones. Marriage won’t solve all your issues either. Sometimes it causes you more problems. it doesn’t automatically make you ecstatically happy forever and always amen. It’s the beginning of a journey, not the end or the goal.

    On the sex front, there is no coasting after you get married. There is a learning curve that can last awhile. Then even after you learn more about what makes one another tick, there are times when sex is off the table. Maybe your husband or wife is sick or exhausted or out of town or depressed or any number of things that are out of your control. You will never be able to completely escape from having to control your “lusts of the flesh” (one of my favorite Biblical phrases). It’s never just the free for all that high school students think it’s going to be (or at least that I thought in my high school ignorance it was going to be). Great post and a great question. Really enjoyed reading the comments.

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  10. First of all, really cool post idea. I love this comment section! Some bad advice that I’ve received from other single friends is that if i want someone to date me, i should be willing to “put out”. I would like to say to anyone who had received similar advice something that my grandmother told me: it’s not about you finding someone to date. It’s about doing what God says, just like everything else in life.

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    • Let me say from experience “putting out” attracts the wrong people! And you end up feeling like a used sock. However, standing up and saying no does two things: helps you manifest the right people in your life by weeding people out- they either respect your “no” or move on. And people respect you for standing up and saying no to them when it’s necessary. People need and like boundaries and flock towards people who have them as protection for you and others. Manifest good wholesome people by not tolerating certain behaviors- in a kind way 🙂

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  11. Hey! So totally rad post! I completely enjoyed the reading through the comments section. So the best advice I have ever been given on singleness came from my grandmother through a verse in Ecclesiastes 3 about there is a time for everything. Yeah sure I may be single now but that doesn’t mean that I’ll be single for the rest of my life. This is a time to learn and grow and simply enjoy being single. It’s a time to find my identity in God rather than another person.

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  13. I personally did marriage the wrong way the first time and the biblical way the second time. My first marriage I married someone at the age of 23, a nonChristian. Getting married was just something you did after dating 5 years. We lived together before marriage, spend $30k on a fantasy wedding- all societal “norms.”
    Later after lots of emotional abuse and infidelity, we got divorced. I relied heavily on the direction of God because I hit rock bottom and had nothing. When I met my husband, who had also been married before, we vowed to date the biblical way. He courted me, got me home at 10pm. We didn’t live together. We prayed together. That has instilled a level of trust in our marriage that wouldn’t be there otherwise. I am thankful that God makes what was meant for bad a springboard for His grace. I just started a blog, check it out at http://www.TheFruitsoftheSpirit.com.

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  14. Pingback: Wait Gracefully | Brandon J. Adams

  15. I know I am late chiming in and I didn’t read the entire comment thread, so forgive me if this has been said before. I’ve been married for 16 years and was not saved until after I was married. Long, ugly story, but the big takeaway/advice I would have for Christian singles is that if you struggle to find that the Lord is your sole source of joy and contentment, getting married will not fix that problem.

    To state it another way, if a person is sure they’ll be satisfied in Christ if only they had a spouse (ie- contentment with God and _____), then after marriage it will continue to be God AND _____, not just God alone. Anything can go in the blank: a husband/wife, children, job, right place to live… It’s literally endless. Marriage has its own challenges and if a person is looking for satisfaction in God AND _____, one major danger a married person can (and likely will) face is that, when the marriage relationship hits one of the inevitable rocky patches that always arise when two imperfect humans have any kind of relationship, someone else’s name might start to look pretty good in that blank: God AND this other guy/gal. On the flip side, if you derive joy in His presence and pleasures forevermore from His right hand (Psalm 16:11), He will continue to be enough, which has the added benefit of taking pressure off your spouse!

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  16. As someone who is still a single
    Christian woman what I have learned is that it’s easy to jump when a man gives me the slightest bit of attention. It makes me feel good about myself. But that is the time that I need to take a deep breath and look to my Father and see what His opinion is. That is why I will wait. I will wait until Jesus shows me the man who was worth it all.

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  17. I am married but work with high schoolers and young adults. One of our students asked this question: I understand the bible says sex is wrong but I don’t understand why. People do it all the time and are fine.

    This was our reply: the Bible says that sex outside of marriage is wrong to protect the hearts, minds, bodies and souls of both people involved in the relationship. My husband and I have never had a different sexual partner and so what we have is pure in unscathed by the outside but I have a sibling who has told me that i am lucky. He is married now but did engage in sexual relationships prior too. He says that it is the worst feeling when he is being intimate with his wife and an old memory of someone else is triggered.

    I had never bought of this before and I think it is important to remember that you aren’t just looking out for yourself but also for the heart and feelings of your future spouse.

    Just a thought.

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  18. In my opinion, singleness is a gift from God, it is a season wherein we can do what we need to do as a person.

    It focuses on your personal development and your opportunity to grow deeper in your relationship with God. For me as a woman, I have a verse wherein I want to pattern my character. In this single season of mine, I focus myself on activities that will help me develop myself to be a better woman, activities that I cannot enjoy when I finally have my own family.

    So to give a brief opinion on your questions above, here it is.

    I don’t really ask for an advice with regards to being single, it’s more impact of the teaching and the different Bible verses that I read. In Ecclesiastes 3:1 (one of my favorite verses) it says there that “For everything, there is a season and a time for every matter under the heaven.” So this is what encourages me not to rush when it comes to being in a relationship. It simply gives me hope that God has a perfect timing for me to meet my “the one”. And yeah, for me it is practical because I don’t need to worry about being alone because I know it is just for the mean time.

    The most meaningless advice that I receive is that “It’s okay to date as long as it is Christian.” we don’t date because that someone is Christian. We date Christian people in order for us to avoid heartache (but it’s inevitable it is out of God’s timing) and to avoid being involved with someone who will lead us out on God’s plan and purpose. Remember, the purpose of dating marriage, so when I date someone, I want to make sure that I’m ready to submit/commit myself to this person and I’m really ready to this marrying season. Again, being in a relationship won’t complete anyone, only God can.

    For point number 3, I don’t have much to say. LOL. if we have different opinions on some points please don’t take it against me.. this is just my personal opinion on how I view singleness as a Christian follower of Christ. 🙂 have a good day and God bless!

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  19. For question 3, maybe teaching those who are single to appreciate his or her singleness. After all, this is a time to explore about your identity in Christ and learning what you can do in order to be ready for a relationship if one wants to be in one. For example, learning how to be selfless since relationships are not about “me, me, me”, but about what one can do for his or her partner.
    After all, singleness is temporary for some and for others is permeant since not everyone wants to be married or in a relationship in general.
    I do have a post in my blog about singleness that gives my view/opinion about singleness if you are interested.

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  20. Thank you for your blog. I do not think anyone wants to be single but it is good for a person to learn about him/herself before learning about someone else. What they like and don’t like about themselves. It is good for a person to know themselves before entering into a relationship with someone and lose their own identity. I have find it disrespectful for someone who is marry to give a single person advice about staying single when he or she has someone to go home to. Singleness is okay but togetherness was demonstrated in the book of Genesis when God make woman to be with the man.

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    • I try really hard to appreciate the advice of married folks. They have a valuable perspective (e.g. marriage doesn’t fix everything) that we can’t ignore. But I’m lucky to know a lot of married people who simply sympathize and root for the singles they know, and that’s the most gracious route.

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  21. 1. What singleness advice, teaching, or guidance have you received that was good?
    Do not focus on marriage as a goal, Use your time to focus on Growing in Christ,,, He is the best premarital counselor ever. Look for who is showing up doing similar things you are doing, Do not look for your perfect list completer only. Focus on God,

    What was encouraging, edifying, or practical?
    Finding a healthy singles group for a stage in life, a healthy group is hard to find, if you have one you are blessed,

    2. What singleness guidance was…not so good?
    You will just know when you meet the right person.

    And why?
    There are a many false trails to follow on this one. We even deceive ourselves on this one to get what we think we want.

    3. Is there anything that has been left unsaid to the Christian celibate?
    Singleness in its most lonely state is much better than a dead or one sided marriage. Marriage is a promise to God and the person you marry and the children that might come along. These and the extended families are all hurt when things go bad. There are more temptations once you are married than when you are single. Money gets the blame but selfishness is the root of all problems,,, think of your list. Is generous or forgiving on it? Think twice if it is not. Small problems become huge stakes in the heart after marriage. be yourself at all times, you can not hide yourself for the years of marriage. Singles are the best source of time and money in Church situations. If they are aloud to meet as a group.

    Single again and learning about God.
    Denny

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  22. 1. What singleness advice, teaching, or guidance have you received that was good?
    To never lower your standard and if there is none yet (which is the case I had before) to set one. There are standards that are none negotiable of course like (Christian values, his love for God, his character) and there are those that are negotiable like (bank accounts, looks, etc.) Never lower your standards for non-negotiable ones.

    2. What singleness guidance was…not so good?
    “It’s okay to make mistakes in choosing who to date so you will learn.” I did believe and regretted such decision of entering into a relationship that I wasn’t really sure of. If there is one area in my life that I never wanted to make a mistake, that’s in choosing a life partner because it plays a major role in my life. It will have an eternal effect. It will greatly affect my relationship with God. My calling. My purpose. My mission. So I believe we can learn without making a mistake. We can learn from others (so grateful of blogs like this and for people who generously share their wisdom and experiences). Be very well informed in this area. And get a Word from God. A CLEAR Word from God confirmed by your physical and spiritual parents.

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  23. One of the teachings I dislike most is about “waiting for God’s best.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but for myself, that resulted in this feeling of suspension. That I was suspended in time, waiting for God to reveal his best for me. And in turn, I missed out on a lot.
    So I say, don’t wait! Live your life and do all those things you’ve always wanted. Travel, save, have experiences, move, heck, adopt a kid if you want to be a parent that bad. So many kiddos need love! And when someone comes along who is willing to step closer to your brand of crazy, let them join in on your already full life! Then you won’t be looking for them to fulfill things that they were never supposed to.
    Good advice: it’s better to be a crazy cat lady than married to the wrong person. Period.

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  24. Some of the toughest advice that singles get is to wait. Waiting is ridiculously hard! But it is so so worth it! It’s easier to settle for something less than what God has for you than to trust and wait. Never settle for less than God’s very best because you’re tired of waiting! His timing is perfect!

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  25. I want to say the best advice I heard came to me when I was struggling with discontent and feeling really disappointed because I felt as if God just wasn’t hearing my prayers regarding marriage. I served as a youth pastor for 5 years and to counsel people and see them grow up and marry off, and I am still waiting… and waiting… and 8 years later still waiting, disappointment made a room for itself and got comfortable. Any who, I was listening to a message from Pastor Steven Furtick and he noted that some of the most disappointed people are not singles, but rather the people who are married and have to wake up next to the same person every day. Sounded a bit pessimistic, but I looked around and also realized that of my friends and peers that had gotten married a good number were also struggling or going through separation. It is an unfortunate statistic about our society – research shows that in the U.S. there is 1 divorce occurring about every 13 seconds. I got to thinking about what that meant for me and realized I needed a shift in my perspective. Instead of feeling disappointed because I am single, I have the chance to feel expectancy because marriage is a gift from God, but singleness can be a gift as well if viewed correctly. Viewing it this way helps me understand that nothing in God comes too soon or too late and if it’s being “held” it just means it’s being perfected and in the process I am being perfected, and my future husband is perfected. In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy some father/daughter time with God. Just the two of us, until the day it becomes a party of three.

    The worst advice… I want to say it was more like the worst responses really.

    When married folks ask the following:

    “Why do you even want to get married? It’s not all that you know.” – says the person who has a sandwich in their hand and I haven’t ate in 3 days, LOL. But seriously, I am trying to live a CELIBATE life… I AM ABSTAINING… It can get tiring. There’s a lot of “don’t’s” involved and it takes discipline.

    “I could have actually gone longer without getting married…”
    But you didn’t so you couldn’t or if it was in God’s timing, then He knew what was best for you. It was better for you to get married. So please don’t make me feel like I am some weak single because I actually want to get married. Since when did wanting to get married become something to feel ashamed about?!

    “I don’t know why you are single!”
    Neither do I my friend, neither do I. But this comment makes me feel like there has got to be something wrong with me. They just haven’t put their finger on it.

    I know people don’t mean any harm by these responses, but it can get really draining when you want to abide by the will of God, but no matter how much you pray, fast, read the word, or put yourself out there the truth still remains… it’s simply not time yet. A better response is simply, I am here for you. I am also going to help you pray. Pray that God gives you the strength to wait for his perfect timing, pray that you can have the discernment to know when the time has come, and pray that you can enjoy the here and now. Joining the singles in prayer is helpful because we often struggle with loneliness and prayers let us know that someone has joined our cause. 🙂

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    • Hilarious. I sympathize with those bad responses. I’ve heard it put this way: “The struggles of a single are different from, but equal to, marriage.” In other words, there is no way out of the groaning. Not on this side of the grave. But we can find joy in Christ at any time.

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  26. (Hi, this may be really late but here goes.)

    I’m a single Christian mom in my 20s.

    What gets to me most is a general feeling that there is something missing in the life of my child because he is growing up without his dad.

    For the longest time I believed that too. But of late I have had fresh perspective on this.

    I believe that God will (and does) give us everything we need in the time that we need it. His plans are to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future, our times are in his hands.

    I think one of the most permeating and damning perceptions given off by society ( whether intentionally or not, and not in all cases, just generally) is that singles are “without”, that there is a deficit in their lives. That they will only be ” whole ” or their true selves once they have married or are in a relationship.

    This is a lie. A blatant lie and a ploy of the enemy.

    We find our identity in Christ, and this happens singularly, before we even graced the earth.

    (I’m new on the blog scene and absolutely love your posts, please check out my blog of you get the time thesaintedsingle.wordpress.com )

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    • Amen, GREAT stuff. Reminds me of 2 Peter 1:3..”His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

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